Monday, November 4, 2013

EPA, FDA Approve First GMCs

"No Clam Without A Plan"

After five years of government scrutiny, six minutes of public comments and one rained out clambake, ClamBionics has received permission to begin selling the first genetically modified clams (GMCs) for human consumption. Clams, once found in every child's school box lunch, have now become something of a specialty item. Today, fresh cooked clams continue to be a tasty addition to any meal as well as being a great source of vitamins G,O,A and T. However, overfishing, kids pooping in the ocean and the ever increasing demand for Clamato Juice has made the clam something of a luxury and has increased the price faster than you can say, "Carly's clams casino".

GSR spoke with Professor Stanley B. Manley of Brown University's School of Clamatology. "For years, scientists have been warning about the rising levels of cocktail sauce in the atmosphere. If the world continues at this pace, particularly those nations with clam bars, it is estimated that by the year 2045 the only thing left clammy will be the weather."  

 It is hard to believe that it was only 80 years ago that Italy dropped the Mediterranean clam as its monetary bench mark in favor of the lira and that in 1992 Italians voted 55% to 40% in favor of the Euro over the Clamo. Editor's note: the other 5% thought they stumbled into an SAT testing center. 

A view inside the Clamcubator.
Working feverishly (with rectal temperatures often approaching 104 degrees Fahrenheit) scientists at

ClamBionics successfully cloned the first Atlantic clams to reach adulthood in under 10 weeks. Then, in 2009, they were able to turn this molluskian bivalve to a single shell clam through a combination of genetic transference and sing alongs. Without the top shell, the clam was now able to spread it's squishy foot, so to speak, and become the full bodied, plump clam we see pictured here today. And, so long as they remembered to apply enough SPF15 they wouldn't have to worry about sunburn or the feared "tanned clam thank you, ma'am" effect.

Inspecting the product.
ClamBionics spokesperson, Lemon Onthesides, explained the process. "As juvenile clams they spend

the first 5 weeks of life in the laboratory, each growing on their own highly nutritious petri dish and free to drink all the lemon juice they want. If they keep the area around their petri dish clean, they get a cookie. Once they reach the age of six weeks (14 clam years) they are sent to our ocean pen off the coast of Isiaqua. Here they are  protected from hungry predators and bathed in the nutrient rich currents of the Northern Pacific Ocean or Railroad (I get them mixed up). Finally, clammy, dandy and randy, they are harvested in the dead of night and sent directly to a store near you or your evil twin."
GMCs at low tide.

What's next for ClamBionics? Ms. Onthesides heaved a heavy sigh, adjusted her obviously fake 38 double D's and said, "camelclams. It's a clam, it's a camel. It's a camel, it's a clam."

GSR has since leaned that Ms. Onthesides has left ClamBionics and is now a registered pickled plum and cucumber sushi roll offender living in El Paso, Texas.

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