Monday, December 9, 2013


Planet. A large, round object in space that travels around a star such as the sun. (Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Exoplanet. An exoplanet, or extrasolar planet, is a planet outside of our solar system. (Source: NASA)

Exobanana. An exobanana, or extrasolar banana is a banana outside of our solar system. (Source: my brother after staying up two straight nights drinking nothing but margaritas and the occasional Coors.)

Exobanana NOT/RIPE124. Photo
courtesy Miguel's Family Bodega.
Same image as left with
color enhancement.

Pictures taken from the Hubble Space Telescope have revealed for the first time the existence of an exobanana. Long hypothesized by Einstein's arch rival, Professor Frederick Shmedrick of the Jet and Giant Propulsion Laboratory, the exobanana appears to be hurtling towards the very center of the Extra Large Smoothie Galaxy.
"I knew it  had to be there," said Professor Shmedrick. "And that poor Einstein was always insistent on exopeaches. Was fur ein Loch im Kopf, that Albert was. Also, where would he be today if I didn't tell him to square the speed of light in that funny little equation of his?"
EDITORS NOTE: For those of you that unfortunately took Spanish in high school instead of German, Professor Shmedrick called Einstein a "hole in the head'". At least that's what Google Translate says.

The exobanana, technically designated NOT/RIPE124, is being hailed as this century's first great scientific discovery. To confirm the sighting, DNA testing will need to be done and NASA has authorized the retrofitting of a Saturn V rocket into one big intergalactic cotton swab missile (ICSM). Estimated arrival on NOT/RIPE124 is for the fall of 2032. Originally, plans were set to land in the spring of that year, however, arriving in the fall when the leaves are just turning color seemed like a nicer idea.
The ICSM ready for takeoff.
America's hope.

As a public cervix, GSR has listed here why this discovery is so important.
  1. The extraterrestrial mining rights to all that banana could be worth billions of dollars.
  2. Put to rest the notion of which came first, the chicken, the egg or the banana.
  3. Solve the earth's scarcity of banana bread due to global warming and always losing the recipe.
  4. Colonize NOT/RIPE124 once we figure out how to stop slipping on all that banana peel.
  5. Search for any Bananalings and buy them a drink.
  6. Once on the exobanana, to search for the most elusive particle in the universe, the banana seed. 

Captain Reddy.
America's finest.
Commanding the ICSM will be Captain R.U. Reddy. This will be Captain Reddy's second mission. In 2001, Captain Reddy successfully piloted the Amazon 12 Space Station directly through the Don't Drop The Soap Meteor Shower. "It was a bit uncomfortable in there for a while," said Captain Reddy. "Working with a crew of eight in that tiny little shower, you can't help but rub up against someone. But, as thy say, no means no. I might also add that it was all agreed that Chief Navigator Wendy Bendy was in top physical shape and certainly knew her way around the shower."

In other news, The People's Republic of China announced today that they had discovered the first exo-moo-goo-gai-pan. Nobody thought that was funny.

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