Monday, February 3, 2014


Has this ever happened to you? You're in a crowded bar. Then, right after sneezing incredibly loud with full body contortion, you grab a tissue, proudly look around expecting gesundheits all around and you get nothing? Well, those days are over my little friend. With the new Klendle Smart Tissue, each sheet is embedded with the new Springboard HSX microchip. Consequently, each and every time you sneeze into one of these babies, you get a "gesundheit" back, available in 14 languages, male or female, drunk or sober. Coming soon in Finnish.

But the smart tissue does more than spew gesundheits. The Klendle Smart Tissue is 224 times stronger than regular tissue with an unequaled snot absorbency rating of 32 DNMs. Editor's Note:  1 DNM (dried nasal mucus) = 3 boogers.
Even we don't know the relevance
of this picture.

As a pubic service, GSR would like to list the many reasons why the Klendle Smart Tissue should always be right under your nose:

  1. Every time you blow into one it analyzes your nasal mucus for 12 different bacteria, nine viruses and three types of dry rat turd.
  2. After analysis, the tissue will turn pink (you've got a cold), red (go see a doctor) or black (you have six hours to live).
  3. Next time you cut your foot off with a lawn mower you can use a Klendle as an emergency tourniquet, or to write your last will and testament on.
  4. With 32 DNMs behind it, one Klendle can last you through a week's worth of the plague.
  5. Never miss the wastebasket again! Every Klendle uses the same technology the CIA uses in its secret drone program. Discard your Klendle in any direction and it will always makes its way into the basket.
  6. Not only does the Klendle tell you when you are down to your last 10 tissues, it remotely places your next order. You don't have to lift a finger!
  7. Has your whole family come down with something? After your disgusting mucus is analyzed it is chemically sterilized, so you can feel free to share your used Klendle with your loved ones.
  8. As an added bonus, Klendles smell and taste like 12-year-old Parmesan cheese. So don't feel shy in grinding a few up and adding them to your favorite Italian dish.
  9. After having that cold for a week or two is your nose red and sore? The Klendle Smart Tissue comes loaded with anabolic steroids to reduce redness and swelling. Warning: The Sturgeon General has reported that the overuse of this product can lead to flaring nostrils of such magnitude that people have been known to have been be swept away in the most gentle of breezes.
  10. Do people recognize you from a distance of 500 feet simply by the same repetitive sound you make every time you sneeze? Through patented nanospaghettiotechnology, the Klendle Smart Tissue can modify the sound you make as you blow into it, thus mimicking the sound of any musical instrument (kazoo excepted), animal call or tree falling in a forest. Imagine sneezing in church one day and all anyone hears are two harps playing Ave Maria. 
Ave Maria,
Gee it's good to see ya,
Doing the Vatican Rag - Tom Lehrer

Klendle Smart Tissues.
We don't blow, you do. - Steve Ryman

No comments:

Post a Comment