Previous CWPs have looked at the high cost of preparing for an interview at Friendly's, the sordid relationships between human resource managers and their estranged families, why the military has taken an about-face and is only promoting those with painful bunions and how to make up for lost income by practicing dentistry in your spare time.
The U. S. Department of Labor has rated medical doctors' salaries just behind those of corrupt Russian oligarchs and high school art teachers who begin working at age 11, live at home with their parents, turn the lights off when they leave a room, never marry, never spend a dime and don't stop working until they're 87.
And so, take notice. Getting into medical school
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See full disclosure below.
I. The MCATS.
GSR has counseled hundreds of applicants over the years and, for our listeners, we always suggest applying to schools that don't require the MCATs. Two examples would be the Mogadishu School of Tropical Medicine and Maritime Piracy and The Medical School at Vladivostok, Siberia (Go Caribou!) of and for the Criminally Insane, Politically Liberal and Just Plain Not Lucky. Speaking to graduates of these two schools, we do not recommend taking the meal plan.
In the United States, there is the Acme School of Advanced Cosmetology and Medicine in Camden, NJ. This school is particularly appropriate for those applying later in life as everyone graduates in just one year as long as you maintain a grade of at least an F-. As well, with Camden having one of the highest crime rates in the country, medical students will not have to share cadavers during their two week anatomy class.
II. The Application.
Now here you may think that we are going to tell you to claim yourself as every minority, religious and ethnic blend that you can think of. Nothing is further than the truth. The best thing we can say here is be yourself. Medical schools are just clamoring for redneck, ultra conservative, gun toting, bare footed, road kill eating, moonshine drinking, banjo playing, trailer park living, teeth missing. pick up truck driving, fifth grade educated, hairy underarmed, hand-me-down clothes wearing wahoos like yourself.
III. The Application Essay.
If you can understand the difference between a sentence and a picture, you can get through this. Although its probably best to copy and paste the Declaration of Independence as your essay, feel free to consult your fifth grade teacher on this one.
One last thing. Never, never use spell check. Looking at the incoming freshmen class for all U.S. medical schools, not one student is from the Czech Republic. Note: if you don't get this last joke, please see me after class.
IV. The Personal Interview.
This is your time to shine. Making a good impression here will determine your future, the happiness and security of your children, your children's children and their children.
A. If you're going to go out drinking the night before your interview, always wear the clothes that you will be wearing for the interview. That way, should you get really get wasted, you won't lose a lot of time in the morning looking for your pants.
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B. Before walking into the interview, discard your shoes. When asked during the interview why, simply say that you have given all of your shoes away to the poor. It's never worked, but we think we saw this in a movie.
C. Never give a firm handshake. When the interviewer shakes your hand, pretend that they have a strong, vise like grip and say something like, "Wow, you're really strong. You really must work out". Buckling at the knees should be practiced at home.
D. The way to take charge of a conversation and be the commanding presence in the room is to always be physically above and therefore be looking down at the other person. Therefore, always bring a pillow with you to the interview to sit on, Just be sure the pillowcase doesn't have any of your drool on it from the night before.
E. Bring a packed suitcase of all of your stuff. That way, you can tell them you're ready to start right away.
F. If it doesn't seem to be going well, pretend to lose consciousness. After two or three shocks from the defibrillator, get up and apologize, saying you contracted malaria during the summer when you were working as a volunteer aid in Kenya. As an alternative, you can claim Ebola hemmoragic virus. However, you will have to walk into the interview bleeding from every orifice and die a horrible death within 36 hours. Graduation would be difficult.
In full disclosure, should you become a doctor, Goat Soup Radio will take 45% of all your earnings for the first 25 years while you're in practice and thereafter 60% of all your earnings until you retire, move to Florida, have all your dinners no later than 4:00 in the afternoon, develop diabetes, have a heart attack, drop dead and then be flown back to Chicago in a casket and buried somewhere overlooking Lake Wobegon. Should disclosure not be to your liking, see datclosure over there.
It was in the reign of George III
that the above-named personages
lived and quarreled, good or bad,
handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they
are all equal now.
--- William Makepiece Thackery, Stanley Kubrick Barry Lyndon