Monday, April 14, 2014


"Remember, I am not recording the vision of a madman. The sun does not more certainly shine in the heavens than that which I now affirm is true. Some miracle might have produced it, yet the stages of the discovery were distinct and probable. After days and nights of incredible labor and fatigue, I succeeded in discovering the cause of generation and life; nay, more, I became myself capable of bestowing animation upon lifeless matter."  
    Mary Shelley. Class of 2016

"I was a history major studying the Renaissance. But then, one day, I realized that all those people were dead. You would think that my advisor would have told me. Well, I soon transferred into the Life Sciences Department and now I'm creating life forms left and right. Screw Da Vinci."
    Donny Deadman. Class 2015

One of the bright spots in this economy is the job outlook for those with degrees in the life sciences. Central Kansas University has begun a $22 billion modern expansion of its 24-hour food court and life sciences program under the direction of Mary Wollstonecraft, PhD. This brilliant but deeply misguided scientist is the recipient of many awards including the 1999, "From Dust to Dermis" award by the American Spontaneous Generation Society and, for five years running,  the National Institute of Health's "Charlatan  of the Year" award.The life sciences program has as its goal, to give students the working ability to make living things out of lifeless goop, mud, junk, garbage or anything else that looks and smells disgusting.
A LICKU creation roaming the campus.
Pink is in this year.

The following list of courses are typical electives offered to life science undergrads at the Life Institute of Central Kansas University (LICK-U).:
  • Of Course, the Chicken Came First 
  • Moving a Dead Fly From Point A to Point B Without Anyone Noticing
  • Getting Your Creature to Wink Using 500 Volts of Electricity 
  • Making Roadkill Your Friend
  • Mud to Mice in 12 Weeks (includes 2 hour lab Tuesdays and Thursdays)
  • Creating Your First Working Genital-Urinary System: What To Expect, What to Void
  • Avoiding Peer Reviewed Journals
  • Neuroanatomy With String, a Glue Gun and Two Paperclips
  • Introduction to Getting Your Creature Not to Poop on the Carpet
  • Self-Cloning: Does the World Really Need Another You? 
  • Early Language Development in Monsters (by permission of the instructor)
  • Monster Ecology

This year, the Life Sciences Department is once again offering their very popular study abroad program. For an additional $2500 above regular tuition, students will get to spend one semester in a dark, dank, medieval castle somewhere in Transylvania. Working with other insane students like yourself, you will chase vampire bats, suck the life out of rats and spend many a happy hour hanging by your thumbs while graduate students attempt to measure your colon.

LICKU: It's Where Life Begins and So Does the Party.

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