A SPECIAL GSR POLITICAL EDITORIAL
We really like Jeb Bush. How could you not be smitten by a first name like Jeb or Arlo or TJ? In fact, with a name like that we're voting for him for president! True, his position on immigration, women's issues, education, tax reform, balancing the budget, gay marriage, abortion, climate change, fracking, the EPA, the future of Medicare and foreign policy are incredibly out of touch with reality. Still, We Like Jeb!
|JEB HAS THE SPLEEN FOR 2016
However, like all politicians, there is always some black cloud following them around wherever they go. Hillary has the State Department emails. Marco Rubio looks and acts like our 13 year old cousin, Stymie. Governor Christie has Bridgegate and, come to think of it, New Jersey. And with no other way to say it, Trump has Trump and that ridiculous, "I build big, astronomically high rent apartment buildings so I'm fit to become the leader of the free world," BS.
Where does that leave our big bear of a brother, Jeb? No, it wasn't his "deer in the headlights" demeanor during the big debate on national television. No, it's not the fact that he couldn't find Tallahassee the first time he was elected governor of Florida. What's been keeping Jeb down is his last name, Bush. Trying to separate himself from that knucklehead of a younger brother, George is like trying to pull apart two slices of American cheese that have been sitting out all day on the hood of your pickup in the middle of July. You just can't do it!
So, in one of the most contentious editorial board meetings that GSR has ever had, our learned suggestion, nay, our solution to Jeb's problem is this. Change the name, Jeb. You can still keep the fake Navaho Indian belt buckle, the Walmart glasses, the buxom interns, the elevator shoes and the tired story of how you stopped your motorcade last month to allow a mother duck and her eight little ducklings to cross the road unharmed, even though they carried a banner, "Ducks for Donald". Just change your last name.
Granted, the word bush is easy to pronounce, unless you've just had all your wisdom teeth pulled, and that anyone that owns or rents a home probably has a bush on their property. Most importantly for the polls, not many other candidates have a last name that rhymes with tush. However, sometimes you just have to let go. "Push the Bush" as our esteemed Maryland crab cake correspondent Esther Lester texted everyone around the table.
So, here it is Jeb. It's just a work in progress but by a vote of six to four with three abstentions for not understanding the question, the editorial board of Goat Soup Radio would like you to change your last name to Nixon. All you have to do is have a news conference and say that you were on ancestry.com last night and found out that Pat Nixon once stayed (after all, it only takes one time so we hear) in the same Abilene, Texas Super 8 as your uncle, Fester Bush. The press will eat it up!
|Jeb. Together, let's put another Nixon
in the White House.
Why Nixon? Who has the most name recognition of any 20th century president? Who ended the draft? Who founded the EPA? Who signed Title IX, ending female gender bias in college sports? Who supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War? Who lowered the voting age to 18? Who initiated the anti-ballistic missile treaty? Who opened diplomatic relations with Communist China? And the list goes on.
Jeb Nixon. He's the one.