Monday, August 10, 2015


Perhaps he was getting ahead of himself, perhaps not. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told the crowd at a fundraiser for tired and worn out Rolex watches that, if elected,  he would immediately "give the American people what they want and more. It would begin with my triumphant inauguration and continue throughout my years as president or until I own all of Manhattan and America's national parks, whichever comes first."

I.  Inauguration.  "Do you know how many people catch cold standing outside during a presidential inauguration? As my first act as president, I will keep the American people safe and healthy by having it at my private Caribbean Island, Trump Island. My plan is to keep it small, regal and humble. Only the first 300 super rich Americans that arrive on yachts no less than 400 feet in length or private jets (not the leased kind), will get to attend. As well, service will be provided by hard working, exploited minorities with clean police records and willing to work for the minimum. If they want to get paid more, let them buy an apartment building and become a landlord."

II. USGS. "And what the hell does the US Geological Survey do all day? I'll give them something to do. Are you aware how much undeveloped land there is right in Central Park in the middle of Manhattan? I say it's time to see what we've got there.We desperately need affordable housing for the upper, upper, upper middle class. I'd call it my Louisiana Purchase...and then I'd buy Louisiana."

III. Department of Education. "Here's another loser. Why spend four years in college when all you have to do is watch two seasons of "The Apprentice"?

IV. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. "Now you're talking. Real men (and real women) carry a firearm, smoke Cuban cigars and always have their limos stocked with the best imported French wines that you can't find at Costco.  These great Americans also know how to clear out a parcel of prime real estate with a single stick of dynamite faster than you can say 'eminent domain'. I think those people over there are doing a fine job"!

V. NASA.  I've been competing against the Chinese for years. And I've always won. I eat Chinese for breakfast and I can tell you they want the moon. So it's time to go back to the moon before the Chinese do. Only this time, in place of astronauts, I'll send up a half dozen real estate agents, a couple of  'Crater For Sale or Lease' signs and a few dozen freshly baked apple pies. If the Chinese want the moon they'll have to lease the damn thing from me. Sorry, I mean us."  

VI.  DTS.  I would immediately create the Department of Tycoon Security. People should know that 84% of all the wealth in this country is owned by 7% of the people in this country. I have always said that I will fight to protect minorities and this is just one example of my munificence."

"To serve and protect 
America's tycoons"

III. The White House.  "I already have six houses throughout the Western Hemisphere. What do I need another one for? Especially a fixer upper like the White House. I could keep Angie's List busy there for years. My plan on day one is to begin leasing it out as the Trump White House B & B. Whenever I'm in DC, I'll just pull  out a credenza over at the Treasury Department and stay there for the night filling my pockets. Who's going to stop me?"

IV.  The Pentagon. "This was a fine old building in it's day but that day has passed. I know how to empty out a building of tenants, level the land and put down a private, members only golf club with all the amenities you would expect from a rich, take no prisoners, misogynistic, egotistical, right wing, hair challenged, pompous, small wienered developer like myself."
"I've often said that the Pentagon needed more windows
with an adjacent 18 hole Trump Golf Course. Can you see
the top of the Washington Monument behind the 
newly renovated Pentagon, just behind my right ear?"

"Best, therefore, withhold any amazement at the strangely gallied whales before us, for there is no folly of the beasts of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." - Herman Melville. Moby Dick or The Whale.


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