Sunday, August 2, 2015


Over the years "The Pyramid" has become a cherished tradition in the Republican Party. Every August 1 of the previous year leading up to the national presidential election, all officially announced republican candidates come together on the shore of Lake Michigan outside of Chicago to create the Republican Presidential Candidates Human Pyramid. 

Bottom l to r: Lincoln, Douglas.
Top: Lester. Note: This is the 
only known color jpeg of  our
16th president.

It all began with the 1860 presidential election. It was the end of July 1859 when the three republican candidates (Abraham Lincoln, Stephen Douglas and Esther Lester) were asked by famed photographer Matthew Brady to come together for a group picture. Not wanting to show his height deficiency next to the tall and lanky Lincoln, Douglas suggested a human pyramid. At first Lincoln scoffed at the idea. But then, Esther Lester, the Great Compromiser and Kibbitzer of the Senate said that he/she would go through with the idea so long as everyone took off their stovepipe hats and removed any piercings that might detract the viewers' attention from the group as a whole. Lincoln soon agreed, removed his stovepipe hat and naval piercing (bought for him as a gift from his wife, Mary Todd) and the rest is history.

Over the years, candidates have come and gone but the quadrennial Republican Candidates Human Pyramid goes on. Critics claim that the event has lost much of its original appeal and that the proof in this is that it is hardly ever covered by the press anymore. However, Goat Soup Radio's political correspondent Red Potato made it to the shore on time and can actually be seen (second row, third from left) standing in as a replacement for Ted Cruz who, unfortunately, had to take a tinkle and missed getting back to the shoot by seconds.

Presenting the 2015 Republican Candidates for President.
Photo by Carly Fiorini. Matching swim trunks donated by
Donald Trump (3rd row bottom right). Top: Jeb Bush, oldest
candidate in group with his unfortunate hearing problem.

Historians specializing in the Republican Candidates Human Pyramid will have a hard time finding a more complex and difficult pyramid to top than this year's event. Although those that were there are sworn to secrecy, GSR has learned from sources deep within the Republican Party hierarchy that this year's pyramid took over four hours to build. GSR was told of three total collapses, seven partial collapses and six timeouts by Donald Trump who continually kept having to consult his hair stylist in the face of those brutal Lake Michigan midsummer winds.

Planning and rehearsal is everything when the eyes of America are on you. The day before the great event
Rehearsal the day before with volunteer stand-ins. Is 
there a future president here on their hands and knees?
field volunteers from every candidate met to rehearse their candidate's part. Problems arose when the single female republican candidate, Carly Fiorini, refused to wear just the black bottom trunks donated by Mr. Trump and settled for taking the famed picture you see above. 
"If you think I'm going to stand on top of Marco Rubio's shoulder's topless with my big honkers just blowing in the wind, all the while trying to balance Mike Huckabee on top of me, you're crazy", said Ms. Fiorini.

Around the world, across the seas and through the woods, people have now made August 1 Superhuman Pyramid Day. France made it a national holiday in 1987 although nobody knows why. Kazakhstan has every citizen turn out and be required to "go pyramid". In China it is rumored that one superhuman pyramid of 8,456,699 workers unexpectedly collapsed and took the Great Wall with it. However, China's official news agency said that no one was injured and the event led to 563,488 marriage proposals.

U.S. backed rebels in Iraq show their support for the
 Republican Human Pyramid. Note allied cell towers
in background.

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