MASSIVE RECALL OF SLEEPYTIME FLIPO'MATS. 12 DEATHS REPORTED.

The Food and Bed Administration (FOOBA) has ordered the recall of all Sleepytime Self Flip Mattreses (FlipO'Mats).  The recall is said to affect more than 430,000 such mattreses that may flip over without the given command of the owner to do so. Thus causing death and even injury to those that were unfortunate enough to be lying on the bed at the time of the terrible accident.

The FlipO'Mat at work during
happier days

The self flipping mattress was intended to save bed owners the time, effort and need to remember to turn over their mattress every 6 months as recommended by American College of Back Doctors That Make Millions (ACBDTMM). In just 5 short years, the Sleepytime Bedding Corporation has gone from a $20.00 ill fitting bed sheet scam to a $4 billion homicidal mattress company.

One lucky survivor was Esther Lester, former White House tech geek. GSR interviewed Mr./Ms. Lester just before going into surgery to repair his/her little woodie. "It all happened so fast. One moment I was resting comfortably in my purple snuggie and the next, I heard a "whoosh" and then everything went blank, The next thing I know, some cute guy is giving me 30 chest compressions while his partner is giving me tongue once every six compressions. I thought I was in gender free heaven, for sure."

Steve Sideboard, founder and inventor of the remarkable FlipO'Mat mattress put out a statement,  "Those out dated queen and king size mattress are certainly a bitch for one or two people to turn over. With my patented "flip the mat" technology there was nothing to do except press a button on the remote and the mattress would slowly turn over using the patented robotic arms embedded within the mattress and box spring. Our hearts go out to the families who have lost loved ones and we are offering to those families our Deluxe King Size Self Flipping Mattress and Box Spring for no money down and 60 months to pay at only 4% interest compounded hourly."



Death by box spring.
A mattress a trois gone very wrong.

 According to FOOBA, most people perished due to suffocation and, in rare instances, the dreaded "better get the spatula effect." Reports out of Phoenix say that three adults, one with incredible honkers, were found Sunday morning wedged between the box spring and mattress at a local Rest Your Head Here Motel in what the coroner is calling a deadly game of mattress a trois. Authorities have not yet released the names of the three individuals pending notification of next of sin.




Sleepytime Industries has promised to repair all defective mattresses. These should be returned, care of, the Nigerian Embassy, 17 Nebraska Avenue, Washington, DC. An original receipt, a large pizza with extra cheese and your best rendition of Bob Wills & His Texas Playboy's song, "San Antonio Rose", will be required for identification and processing. If you don't have the receipt, one of your kidneys will do just fine.

Anyone wishing a refund instead can go their web site, www.youdonthaveachanceinhell.com. It may take you a few months to get through but it still beats healthcare.gov.

Can I get an amen?

NEW GLITCH FOUND WITH OBAMACARE WEB SITE

As the new White House tech team tries to bring healthcare.gov back on line and working properly, a new problem has surfaced. It appears that those individuals who have successfully signed onto the new health care web site have also volunteered for the United States Navy. It has been revealed that as each individuals information and acceptance on the web site was electronically sent to their chosen health plan, all of this information was also sent to the Navy's National Recruitment Center (NaRC) in Fairfax, Virginia.

One day we're working at The Gap, the
next, we're insured and in the Navy.

Vice Admiral John Paul Jones XVII released the following statement. "Recruitment has been slow and we were offering two weeks free vacation in Cabo, Mexico for every new enlistee. But now, with enlistment tied to Obamacare, our sails are full and it's full speed ahead. Hell, we've now got more sailors than Carnival Cruise has deck chairs."

Thursday, CMS Director Kathleen Sebelius told Goat Soup Radio, "It is imperative that you report for Navy duty if you are asked to do so. We need to keep the website fully operational and if people don't report for duty, the computer system might just crash again. To make amends, all those who fulfill their four year stint in the Navy will receive, at no charge, one pair of orthopedic shoes from a podiatrist of their choice.

GSR spoke to Flora Dora, a 58 year old retired muffler saleswoman who was successful in signing up for her new health insurance. "I was pleased as punch that I wouldn't have to worry about the future now that I was insured. But then I got this letter from The Department of the Navy telling me to report to Gunnery School in Pensacola, Florida on December 15. I was so upset that I called my son-in-law, Randy, who is a lawyer. But he also  signed up for Obamacare and had already left for Navy Seal Training School in Minerva, Washington. He's 45 and he's only got one good eye."

Flora Dora makes the best of it in the Navy.

Randy, now a Navy Seal.

For a more historical perspective, GSR traveled to The Old Sailor's Home in Norfolk, Virginia and spoke with 83 year old retired seaman, Popeye The Sailor. "It just don't seem right, not to join the Navy. Even my girl, Olive Oyl, may she rest in peace, wanted Swee'Pee to join when he gets older. Anyway, you got computer problems? I don't know what a computer is, but just gimme a couple cans of real spinach, not the soupy creamed spinach they serve in here, and me and Bluto will fix it faster than you can say, kiss my goat soup radio tattoo."

TULLY'S ROADKILL BARBECUE PIT (CLOSED CHRISTMAS)

Please be sure it's really dead before
bringing it to Tully's.

If you have a hankering for real down home roadkill barbecue, think of Tully's. And if you're cruising along in your pickup and suddenly hit some defenseless animal that was looking for it's mama, definitely think of Tully's. Just tie that critter to the
back of your rig and head on over. Tully will have your meal skinned, cleaned, gutted and cooked before you're on your second beer. And if it's not the best tasting roadkill you've ever sunk your incisors into, the next 3 week old piece of roadkill we get in is on the house! Since 1978 Tully has, what you might say, been in the recycling business long before those East Coast candy ass liberals ever heard the term.

Naturally, if you'd like to see our menu and order whats just come into the kitchen through the back door, well, it's a free country. From our crispy bacon and hash brown squirrel appetizer to our famous chocolate armadillo cake, we'll have you coming back for more. In March 2010 the Ryman County Health Department certified that 94.6% of all those who had eaten at Tully's were still alive 24 hours later! Compare that with Fat Dan's Country Store and Pit Stop out on State Road 43 where only 82% of customers survived after 24 hours. Contracting leprosy is never a problem at Tully's.

Thinking of bringing the whole family to Tully's Roadkill Barbecue? Ordering is easy. Why not ask for Tullly's Grand Buffet Feast? It's just $63.95 and feeds four to seven adults, regardless of body mass index, church affiliation or sleeping habits.

After

Before

"Would you like fries with that?"

Looking to shed a few pounds? Why not try Tully's delicious (and crunchy) tit mouse grits with real pieces of Highway 73? Each week Darrell waits behind that Calvin Klein road sign up on Highway 73 eyeing each and every tit mouse as it meets its maker. When properly hit no less than five times, he scoops it up, places it in a cooler and within four hours (more if he stops at Diana's Boarding House) brings it to Tully's for your dining pleasure.




And don't forget. Tuesday is "all you can eat surprise barbecue night". It's tasty, it's delicious and it's grilled to perfection. We just aren't sure what it was. Just make sure when you get home, you count your pets. ..just a little barbecue roadkill humor there.
And speaking of home, why not take home a bottle of Tully's Original Barbecue Sauce #5? The secrets in the fresh drippings...but just let Pee Wee, our saucier, worry about that. A few shakes of Tully's #5 on your favorite food and you'll be howling at the moon just like your granddaddy did.

EPA, FDA Approve First GMCs

ClamBionics

"No Clam Without A Plan"
 

After five years of government scrutiny, six minutes of public comments and one rained out clambake, ClamBionics has received permission to begin selling the first genetically modified clams (GMCs) for human consumption. Clams, once found in every child's school box lunch, have now become something of a specialty item. Today, fresh cooked clams continue to be a tasty addition to any meal as well as being a great source of vitamins G,O,A and T. However, overfishing, kids pooping in the ocean and the ever increasing demand for Clamato Juice has made the clam something of a luxury and has increased the price faster than you can say, "Carly's clams casino".

GSR spoke with Professor Stanley B. Manley of Brown University's School of Clamatology. "For years, scientists have been warning about the rising levels of cocktail sauce in the atmosphere. If the world continues at this pace, particularly those nations with clam bars, it is estimated that by the year 2045 the only thing left clammy will be the weather."  

 It is hard to believe that it was only 80 years ago that Italy dropped the Mediterranean clam as its monetary bench mark in favor of the lira and that in 1992 Italians voted 55% to 40% in favor of the Euro over the Clamo. Editor's note: the other 5% thought they stumbled into an SAT testing center. 


A view inside the Clamcubator.

Working feverishly (with rectal temperatures often approaching 104 degrees Fahrenheit) scientists at

ClamBionics successfully cloned the first Atlantic clams to reach adulthood in under 10 weeks. Then, in 2009, they were able to turn this molluskian bivalve to a single shell clam through a combination of genetic transference and sing alongs. Without the top shell, the clam was now able to spread it's squishy foot, so to speak, and become the full bodied, plump clam we see pictured here today. And, so long as they remembered to apply enough SPF15 they wouldn't have to worry about sunburn or the feared "tanned clam thank you, ma'am" effect.





Inspecting the product.

ClamBionics spokesperson, Lemon Onthesides, explained the process. "As juvenile clams they spend

the first 5 weeks of life in the laboratory, each growing on their own highly nutritious petri dish and free to drink all the lemon juice they want. If they keep the area around their petri dish clean, they get a cookie. Once they reach the age of six weeks (14 clam years) they are sent to our ocean pen off the coast of Isiaqua. Here they are  protected from hungry predators and bathed in the nutrient rich currents of the Northern Pacific Ocean or Railroad (I get them mixed up). Finally, clammy, dandy and randy, they are harvested in the dead of night and sent directly to a store near you or your evil twin."

GMCs at low tide.



What's next for ClamBionics? Ms. Onthesides heaved a heavy sigh, adjusted her obviously fake 38 double D's and said, "camelclams. It's a clam, it's a camel. It's a camel, it's a clam."

GSR has since leaned that Ms. Onthesides has left ClamBionics and is now a registered pickled plum and cucumber sushi roll offender living in El Paso, Texas.