Friday, April 12, 2013

COLBY, GEORGIA BANS BICYCLES : TRICYCLES OK


Elm Street    4 PM
Colby, Georgia. 2:00 pm.
Three weeks ago it was another typical evening at the emergency room at Good Samaritan Hospital in Colby, Georgia. One patient had a stomach ache and two patients with the flu. But along side these people seeking help were 6 others, all with something in common. These patients all  had nasty scrapes and bruises, one with a broken wrist. All six were the victims of bicycle accidents. A seventh victim never made it to Good Sam's.

Three weeks ago, Bo Johnson, 26, and a father of two was riding his bicycle along Elm Street when he was suddenly struck from the side by Henry Dobbs who was riding his bicycle into the intersection  A witness, Charley Jones, later recalled,  "there were bicycles parts everywhere. People were screaming, it was horrible." Police report that the force of the impact was so great that Bo Johnson's saddle bag, innocently attached below his seat, tore off its straps and hurtled at speeds estimated at 230 miles per hour directly at Bo's tushie. Miss Crabtree, the town spinster and librarian described it as a "rambunctious rocket roiling recklessly rearward."
Passing by the scene of the accident was Bo's second wife, Shirley. "If only he had stayed with me in Crooked Neck and not married that b*** Hazel Schmazel, all this wouldn't have happened."

One of the first on the scene was Mary Stebbins of Mary's Cupcakes and Butcher Shop. She immediately began a reverse Heimlich maneuver on poor Bo but to no avail. GSRadio spoke to Mary afterwards, she told us, "I was very disappointed. Just last month I was certified by the Americans For Healthy Tushies to help people like Bo. I just panicked. I didn't remember if it was 2 thrusts to the coccyx and ten thrusts to the pubis or the other way around."
Police were forced to ask for a medi-vac helicopter, something many in this town had never seen before.  "It was this big, noisy thing that went up and down like mercury in a thermometer", said Tommy Gundrich, 42. "And it had these things on top that moved around so fast I just had to sit down and I couldn't work in the mill for two whole days."

Bo was taken to the county hospital in Violet, Georgia and the doctors there were forced to call in the Physicians Emergency Extraction Group (PEEG). Carefully wielding their "jaws of life" they managed to remove the errant saddlebag from Bo's tushie. Later that week, doctors gave this report:" Bo Stevens is recovering nicely. He will need to remain on his stomach while his tushie fully heals. He's been given all the ice cream he can eat. Unfortunately, we had to call in a speech therapist because he is beginning to talk like Forest Gump."

Back in Colby, the town board began their deliberations. By a unanimous vote of 6 to 4, bicycles were forever banned from Colby. Russ Tic Potatoes, town board member had this to say, "Politics is a dirty business  There was a lot of pressure from the American Bicyclists Association and the American Tardigrade Rodeo Association to stop the ban in its tracks. So, with all that campaign money being thrown about a compromise was devised. Bicycles will be banned but tricycles allowed even while texting. However, anyone pulled over while tricycling and texting and drunk as a skunk will be fined $20.00 or 2 pounds of shucked peanuts."

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