FBI COLLECTING FINGERPRINTS OF BOWLERS SINCE 1953

President Eisenhower signing Executive
 Order 2305.5, "the bowling ball ID act".

Washington, D.C. 5:00 PM

The Justice Department’s Security and Identification Division released a brief statement today saying that the FBI has been secretly collecting the thumbprint of  everyone who has gone bowling in America since August 5, 1953. According to the statement, the practice ended in 1994 when it became clear that bowling was becoming as popular as broken glass eating contests. The statement went on to say that although the basic reasons for continuing the program had become irrelevant over the decades, the identification program remained an ongoing secret project due to the large number of bowlers that were found to be stepping over the foul line.

Through bribery, shameful acts of pleading and being a fictional character, Goat Soup Radio’s Washington correspondent, Ester Lester, quickly uncovered the dark history of this despicable intrusion into the lives of America’s bowlers. This is that (or, that is this) story.

In the early 1950's, the Eisenhower administration knew where its next fight would be coming from: Russia. Both sides were increasing their stockpile of nuclear weapons and it quickly became the cold war.  Various US agencies began planning for such an event. The Department of Labor began lining all bottom piece pajama's with thin layers of lead while the Treasury Department began printing dollar bills with a picture of George Washington in a hazmat suit.  

The FBI, on the other foot, quickly realized it had no way of identifying Americans on an individual basis should a nuclear war break out. Possibilities were considered such as making everyone in the country stand in a single line and “count off” (which would take too long)  and DNA identification. Unfortunately, only 4 people in the United States had ever heard of DNA in 1953 so that was dropped.

Clearly, bowling was the agency’s best choice. One estimate in 1952 had that 94% of all Americans over the age of 5 bowled at least once per week and that 68% of all Americans over the age of 2 bowled in a league.

Once Presidential Executive Order 2305.5 was signed, the FBI surreptitiously began placing the necessary finger printing equipment into every lane of every bowling alley in the United States. Each time a bowler rolled his ball down the alley his thumbprint inside the hole where his thumb was placed would be photographed and sent to Washington along with his name, what brand beer he drank and whether he, or she, knew how to keep score. 

The program was almost uncovered, however, in 1967. Special Agent Frank Talk was in Colby, Georgia’s 16 lane bowling center after hours filling up the dusting powder when he realized that two teenagers, Cal McCoy and Tulip Carter, were also in the back of the bowling center. Agent Talk had to wait almost 1 hour before they left to finish his mission. Official reports say that the two teenagers were loitering.

Six months later, Agent Talk received the agency’s highest service honor for obtaining not only Mr. McCoy and Miss Carter’s thumbprints but also prints from all “20 fingers, 20 toes and highly accurate descriptions of all birth marks.” Nine months later little Cal Junior was born, later to become Georgia’s 1971 Junior Bowler of the Year.

 

FDA BANS MOO GOO GAI PAN FROM CHINESE TAKEOUT MENUS

In a hastily convened conference this afternoon, so as not to overlap The Judge Judy Show, the FDA has announced the immediate ban on all takeout orders of moo goo gai pan from all Chinese restaurants in the United States, the Virgin Islands and the Deflowered Isthmus's. The report states, "we have nothing against the moo, the goo or the pan. However, the gai is now ingredient non grata."

Giuseppe Amore, acting head of the FDA had this to say. "We can thank private citizens like Vito Aldente, former president of the American Pizza Association for coming forth with the previously unknown information that the gai in moo goo gai pan is not really a gai, but a girl. Now, the FDA doesn't want to be an ogre about this. Should restaurants wish to offer both moo goo gai pan and moo goo girl pan we would certainly allow this. We'd even consider moo goo gender neutral pan. However, Title VII of the Chinese Takeout Menu Sexual Anti-Discrimination Act of 1983 is very clear and it is our duty to follow the law wherever it takes us."

Of course", Amore continued, "we don't have to worry about eating in. This will only be for takeout orders. Whenever my family and I eat at our favorite Chinese restaurant, we never order the moo goo gai pan.  Instead, we go with the fried rice, Happy Family and the chicken and broccoli. We used to order the shrimp in lobster sauce but you just don't get as many shrimp as you used to get."

The next day, the American Chinese Restaurant Association (ACRA) met in emergency session to find a solution. Hours later, it came out with just such a brilliant plan, urging its members to substitute key lime pie for the gai. Now to be called, moo goo key lime pie pan.

Moo Goo Key Lime Pie Pan
Courtesy: Chan's Great Wall
Free Delivery Up To 1 Mile
No Msg, No Gai

Goat Soup Radio spoke with Kim Chou, president of ACRA. "We have told all of our members to make the change in ingredients. Key lime pie has always been a favorite food of many Americans. Plus, it's colorful, fits nicely in a wok and is chopstick friendly.  As an added incentive, we will fly any member down to Key West, Florida to learn the recipe for the key lime pie, first hand (additional fun filled excursions will be available at a nominal cost). We will also be recommending that our members stop serving hot green tea with the moo goo key lime pie pan and instead, serve a refreshing pitcher of margaritas."

SPAIN'S VOTERS APPROVE NAME CHANGE

Barcelona. 4:00 PM

In an effort to promote Spain’s highly established position in international law, finance, commerce and small food portions, Spain’s parliament has voted overwhelmingly to rename their country, Spain, Spain and Spain. Seeking to establish brand recognition on the international stage is every country's goal  and the new name is expected to put Spain, Spain and Spain on the map.

Not since the end of World War I has a major European country changed its name. In 1918, Famished became Hungary and Deluxembourg was changed to Luxembourg once it stopped offering lettuce, tomato and a slice of pickle on the side. In 1932, Cthiopia changed its name to Ethiopia after it was discovered that Dthiopia was already taken.

Spain, Spain and Spain’s Prime Minister had this to say. “We are very excited to present our new name to the world. But, to those skeptics I say, if Columbus had three ships, why can’t we have three names? The 3 Stooges, 3-4-5 right triangle, 3 ring notebooks: legal precedent has been set."

Skeptics were doubtful, doubters were skeptical. GSR's Manuel Ryman spoke to one such individual, Zorro, a professor in the Department of Long, Thin, Pointy Swords at the University of Sangria. "Yes, Columbus may have had three ships but only the Nina offered free style dining," he said. 

In other news, the Ministry of Milking Bad Ideas (Ministerio de 2% Milko Bad Ideas) will be holding open hearings the beginning of next year to change the name Madrid to Finkelstein, Schechtman and Klein.

IT'S GOAT SOUP RADIO'S 5th ANNUAL MEMORIAL DAY KICK-ASS FIGHT AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING IN 12 EASY STEPS

3:30 pm
Fort Allenby, Antarctica

Each year, Goat Soup Radio presents the best ideas to defeat global warming and keep your beer as cold as the moment you popped the top.

PLAN	FUNCTION	CARBON SAVED/YEAR (TONS)
Reduce length of Long Island Expressway by 8 miles	Saves everybody 16 miles per day driving.	450
Rename Unites States of America to United States of Lush Green Meadows	Greenland was already taken. Republic of Veggie Burger is under consideration.	2
Get rid of all red stop lights, keep the green and yellow	Less idling but lots of fidgeting. Wear a seat belt and pray.	180
Replace all air in car and truck tires with CO2 from coal burning plants	Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize!	980
Newlywed Rule. Choose baby or air conditioner or car. Have all you want of one category; only one each of other two categories for life.	Example: want 4 air conditioners? Therefore only get 1 car and 1 baby. Infinite number of possible combinations available.	300
Do all printing in tiny, tiny font size	Save the tree. Just sit closer to the screen.	400
Replace plastic shopping bags with big hands	Need big hand stem cell research, now!	1200
Vasectomy for all men with shoe size greater than 9 1/2	Reduces carbon footprint of 28% of population .	45
Ban light beer	Light beer is "light" because of added zooplankton, a key nutrient for red tides.	1020
Toilet paper rolls only dispense 5 sheets per sitting	We'd save billions of trees. Also allows more bathroom stall time per user.	240
Clone the pole	see May 13, 2013 blog	500
Hold in farts as long as possible, particularly bovine farts.	The longer you hold them in the more they break down into harmless water, oxygen and elemental carbon.	850

WARNING. Selected, edited and posted by professionals. Do not attempt.

PHOENIX OPTICIAN DEVELOPS WORLD’S HIGHEST MAGNIFICATION BINOCULARS – CLEAR VIEWING EXTENDS COMPLETELY AROUND UNIVERSE



Untouched Photo of Man
Using the ChadScope and
Seeing Himself From the Back

Phoenix, Arizona 4:00 AM

Chaz Carmichael, local optician with 2 convenient locations, has told Goat Soup Radio that he has created a new, improved type of binoculars. So called "ChazScopes", these super charged binoculars will allow a person on a clear day (without celestial obstructions) to see clear across the universe and back around again. Toiling for years in anonymity in his basement, living on garbanzo beans and drinking clear, colorless liquids, Dr. Carmichael (not an M.D., but so what?) gave wings to his invention.

In an exclusive conversation with GSR just before closing time at Sally’s Roadhouse Cantina on East Jackson Street, Dr. Carmichael spoke with this reporter.  Initially hesitant, it wasn't until “last call” when this reporter’s date mentioned that she might have some difficulty finding her car. Lifting his head up from the bar and holding two shot glasses up to his eyes, Dr. Carmichael introduced himself and proceeded to tell the story of his marvelous invention, the ChazScope.

Diagram Of ChazScope
Optics From Sally's Roadhouse
 

With the binoculars in his car, this reporter, his date and Dr. Carmichael made haste and left the bar for Sally’s parking lot. Unfortunately, the night was dark and cloudy, allowing one only to view the Armed Forces Recruiting sign across the street. With all three promising to return next Friday when the Farmer’s Almanac calls for clear skies, this reporter will surely enjoy the view.

Editor's Note: Dr. Carmichael arrived at Sally's but sans the ChadScope. However, he says he is working to turn old eyeglass cases into  miniature home defibrillators. Lee Ryman also made it to Sally's. However, his date left word she would be visiting a sick friend and that he should seriously consider therapy.

Editor's Editor's Note: Due to a recent court order, GSR is not at liberty to speak about Dr. Carmichael's you-know-what anymore. All we can say is that his you-know-what was confiscated by government agents without even an IOU.

SCIENTISTS CLONE TELEPHONE POLE TREE, TELEPHONICUS ERECTUS

Cloning T. erectus 

Big Sky, Idaho. 4:00 PM CST

Standing straight as an arrow, 80 feet tall at maturity, the telephone tree as it is called today is one of nature's great wonders. It once covered great swaths of the upper United States. Originally used in this country in home construction, it began in the late 1800's to be used as the pole on which this growing nation would string her telephone wires from home to home and from coast to coast.

The story goes, true or not, that as he lay dying, Alexander Grahm Bell had just one thought. It wasn't of his dear wife, Mabel, and it wasn't of Mr. Watson. He could only think of the millions of trees that had been ripped from the ground just to stitch all those telephone wires across the land.
 "If only I had come up with wireless," he thought.

Today, the U. S. Department of Agriculture and the Ryman Center for Genomic Studies have released a joint statement announcing the successful cloning of a telephone pole tree,  Telephonicus erectus. These trees, long known to be on the verge of extinction, can now respire a sigh of relief. It is estimated that over 8 million telephone pole trees are cut down every year.

Chief scientist, Michael Monocot, described his elation. "We never got discouraged. Our first breakthrough came in 1995 when we were able to take a wild grown telephone pole tree, Telephonicus erectus, and grow it in the lab from sprig to fully grown tree in 65 days. Our only real problem after that was to genetically select out all of the branches, leaves and bark. First, we turned off the gene in T. erectus for photosynthesis. Then, it was a matter of implanting into the tree's genomic structure the R-18 fungi gene, directing the tree to live off dead matter consumed through its base, or stem, just as mushrooms do.

Immediately after the announcement, however, Mike Mold, a representative of the California Mushroom Growers Association had this to say, “This may be the end of the road for our industry. Our consultants, relying heavily on  SOH-CAH-TOA,  have told us that each new 60 foot tall T. erectus is equivalent to 3,500 4 oz. cans of sliced mushrooms with stems. We just don’t know if we will be able to hold out against such stiff competition.”

In other news, the National Podiatric Association put out a statement voicing their concern over the spread of athlete's foot once full cloning of T. erectus gets under way.

FIVE FRENCH PHYSICIANS FINGER FLATULENCE FOR FABULOUSLY FLORID PHRASES

Paris. 10:50 PM

What makes a great writer? Plot? Theme? Denouement? No, it's simply writing a great descriptive sentence. Five French physicians have just released the results of a 5 year study that looked for that one particular trait unique to great writers that others do not possess (sadly, six Senegalese shamans sat silently shunning such sophomoric shenanigans). Education, posture and glove size were just three of the myriad traits that were compared between great writers and hacks. Unfortunately, they all were found to be common to both groups. But then, almost three years into their work, one of their comely graduate students, Robin Japapa, came upon a history of the great Paris hotel and bistro, La French Fry. Written by 3 generations of maitre d's it told the story of the many patrons, including many famous writers, that frequented their che' che' restaurant.

One of the first notations was on the famous French writer the Marquis de Sade. At the time Mr. Sade was known to always empty out the restaurant immediately after he had his favorite dish of escargot and limoge beans. It reads in part, "zee gas, zee odor, et was malodorant." This was the clue that the five French physicians were waiting for.

Dinner with Mark Twain
 

Reading further, another patron was the famous French writer, Victor Hugo. Monsier Hugo ate at La French Fry almost daily until he was asked to leave due to his disagreeable "la noises a la Tushie". After being kicked out of every restaurant in Paris, the French Restaurant Association had him guillotined for "zee les miserables ghastly poofs."

The book ends in 1958 when, perhaps the greatest of French writers, Jean-Paul "Boomer"Sartre, dined at La French Fry on its very last day of existence. While finishing his buttered haddock, the "Boomer" lit a cigarette while letting go with one of his famously fragrant french fuzzy farts, immediately sending the restaurant up in flames.

This was all the proof the five French physicians needed. Taking their study to the French Ministry of Education and Fake French Accents (FMEFFA), the department took action. It is reported that beginning with the 2017 school year, all students must consume at least 5 cups of la bean du jour and must wear underwear with little frills attached so as to create the most melodious of sounds.

Editor's note: For the French language version of this piece go to: www.ionlytooktwoyearsofspanishinhighschool