AN OPEN LETTER TO DAVID SEDARIS

Dear David,

You are my last hope. For three years I have been writing humorous short stories on just about anything that piqued my interest. Hint: I always try to open a story with a few words of French origin. It definitely creates an air of grace and elegance, don’t you think? Feel free to use "oeuvre" whenever you want.

These sweet, beautiful pieces of my soul have been dutifully presented in a blog that I created, goatsoupradio.com. My goal is simple; to one day run my own small engine maintenance and repair shop. However, with no followers, comments, emails or tweets, it has become a very lonely existence. My wife and my children go about their day and no one recognizes them. For myself, I could live like this but it’s become increasingly difficult. Sammy, the family dog was once happy and carefree. Now, 14 years old, with all of her shots, she just doesn’t seem to care.

Goat Soup Radio was going to be our ticket to Bedford Falls, our magic carpet ride, our personal invite to sit down with Al Roker. For so long now, every time the phone would ring we thought it was you. Well, maybe not you but someone that at least looked like you.

As an aside, I am sure you are a fan of Larry David as much as I am. Every time he squints his eyes I just crack up. Anyway, rumors have been spreading fast in Minsk that when Larry was born the hospital accidentally switched his first and last names. Wouldn't it be something if your real name was actually Sedaris David?

Did I ever ask for anything in return when President Nixon took my advice to form an exploratory committee for a possible 2016 run for the presidency? Or when Idaho, innocently enough, failed to re-up their statehood as directed by the Constitution every 38 years and thus reverted back to a territory? And did I quibble when Spain, looking to become a powerhouse in international law, trade and finance acted on my suggestion and changed its name to Spain, Spain, Spain, Spain, Spain and Goldstein ? Was I secretly hoping for an all expenses paid three night stay at the Barcelona Courtyard Marriott? Not at all.

Or when my evil neighbor, Esther Lester, stole my idea for renting out people's bathtubs as an inexpensive overnight stay for those seeking cheap out of town accommodations? Thus turning Tub Bud into the online juggernaut that it is today? David, didn't you wish that you had bought some of those shares at $34.00 during its first day of trading?

Where is the justice? Tell me, where does it say that I must walk this earth, head bowed, unrecognized, wearing my brother-in-law's hand-me-down pants (yes, I do sometimes get carried away with hyphens but wouldn’t you do the same in my position?). I pause.

David and The True and Mysterious Author
in better times.

David, take me out of the darkness and bring me into the lightness. Do this for me.

Please note the two attachments. The first is a rock solid nondisclosure form prohibiting the use of any part or parts of Goat Soup Radio without the express written consent of me and my solicitor. The second is a blank form letter where you can give me your address and phone number (I just hate texting), the names of your agent and editor and the best time to reach you. I am not a young person so please contact me post-haste. 

Yours, Very Much Alone,

The True And Mysterious Author Of Goat Soup Radio

CLINTON KEEPS LOW PROFILE CAMPAIGN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Takes morning waitressing job at Lulu’s Coffee Shop in Nashua for duration of state primary race.

Continuing her pledge to represent the common men and women of this country, Hillary Clinton has put away the Brooks Brothers pinstriped three button suit and the Stuart Weitzman Power Dress Pumps for a Sears exclusive Tina Fey Collection shirt and slacks, a pair of Easy Spirit Mary Janes (size 11, who knew?) and a three pocket black apron. Beginning her shift at 5:00 AM she has been greeting the local farmhands, truckers and early risers with a big smile, a hot pot of Lulu’s famous dark brewed coffee and a handwritten "Vote for Hillary and I'll Forgo My Tip" paper napkin.

“As a globe-trotting Secretary of State you spend a lot of time in coffee shops," said Mrs. Clinton. "I've always found that the waitress, whether in Beirut, Ho Chi Minh City or Johannesburg, always has the ear of the customer. Particularly when it comes down to a choice of either the pot roast with whipped mashed potatoes or the cobb salad with grilled shrimp. On a personal note, I am proud to say that when I was Secretary of State I submitted more Yelp reviews on coffee shops throughout the world than any other federal employee in the Obama administration.”

Leftists love Lulu's liver.

Standing against a wall in the back alley behind Lulu's, Mrs. Clinton took her five minute mid-morning break. With one last drag of her Virginia Slims cigarette, she flicked it to the ground and continued. "I've spent thousands of dollars listening to consultants how best to connect with Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Pubic. Waitressing is the best way that I've found so far. Nothing works better to keep the conversation going than handing over a clean menu, keeping the ketchup bottles full and bending over the table just enough to throw a hint of cleavage the customer's way. Besides, what's more American than being served a piping hot stack of blueberry pancakes, talking politics and a husband that did not have sexual relations with that woman? "

Republican hopefuls have taken notice. Next week, Marco Rubio will be towel drying cars Monday through Thursday (never a charge for car mats ) at Elsie's Suds City in Exeter, New Hampshire. Texas Senator Ted Cruz plans to be behind the counter at Roy's Smoked Pig Emporium, while Governor Christie, with his intimate knowledge of bridges and highways, has landed a job with the Town of Nashua's roadkill pickup crew ("you squash 'em, we wash 'em").

Ted Cruz lets Carly Fiorina know that they're 
hiring at Dick's Garden Nursery.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been smooth sailing for former Florida Governor, Jeb Bush. Looking to show himself to be a man of the people and score some deep discounts as well, Mr. Bush applied to every store in the Lake Winnipesaukee Outlet Mall but never got a call back. Although deeply disappointed, Jeb hasn't given up looking. With the help of the Bush Library he is rumored to be rewriting his resume and working on making eye contact. He's also asked his mother to drive him around to more stores this time and it's hoped that this will help.

Namaste

COLORADO COUPLE CONVINCES CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE CARROTS CAN COPY COMPASSES

Mr. and Mrs. Hey Abbott of Are We Glad They Passed That Marijuana Law, Colorado testified Tuesday before the Senate Subs and Hoagies Appropriations Committee. Although normally held behind closed doors and in front of open windows, an exception was made for this day's testimony. In a bow to the 21st century, the influence of social media and millennials (most of whom are a-holes and haven't read another book since "Goodnight Moon") the Committee allowed the meeting to be heard on any electronic device including but not limited to smartphones, smart TVs and smart toilets.

Editor's Note: We love smart toilets. Especially when you have to get to a meeting real fast. However, some brands have been known to automatically flush too quickly when you begin to stand up and you have to wipe yourself all over again. Back to Shark Tank with that one!

Our story continues.
Testifying under oath and probably under the influence as well, Mr. Abbott began his brief but enlightening testimony taking the Committee back to his farm in 1995. It was here that Mr. Abbott first began growing vegetables, saving some for his family and selling the rest at a roadside stand that he bought for $250 after selling all of his wife's shoes.

"It was the carrots," Mr. Abbott said."Every few hours at my vegetable stand I would have to keep rearranging the carrots. I never had that problem with the peppers or the kale. Wherever I put those guys, that's where they'd stay. Then, one day just before closing a man pulled up in his pickup truck asking for directions to Tina's Roadkill Bar-B-Que Pit. Well, I had just been there the week before. Me and Mrs. Abbott had shared the One Week Old Armadillo Roadkill Tuesday Special. So I just pointed north in the direction of Tina's and told him to try the rancid but piquant squirrel tail appetizer. Well, he looked at me and said, 'Thanks friend, same direction as the carrots are pointing, I suppose'.

Homeless? Rudderless? Lostless? Make
a carrot your friend and a confusing
map will become nothing but Pam
spelled backwards.

So I look down at the carrots and sure enough there they were, all pointing in the exact same direction I was. And then it hit me. A carrot is nature's compass. And I thought to myself, down through history all those brave explorers just needed to bring a carrot with them. No need for some special guide or fancy map. Lewis and Clark didn't need Sacajawea. Magellan didn't need Google Earth. The Three Stooges didn't need Moe. Dorothy didn't need the yellow brick road and certainly, Columbus didn't need Ohio."

"I started to watch them very carefully", Mr. Abbott continued. "Slowly, very slowly they would always move themselves into a north-south alignment. That's when I realized what the second half of the 21st century would be like. It would be the carrot telling us where to go, where we've been and how to get away from there. No more asking for directions, maps or GPS units. Just go with your own deeply felt wanderlust, your favorite Hot Pockets and your carrot!

Ford has begun to equip all of their 2016 cars with

    Carrot Positioning Sensors. Note patented Goat Soup

  Radio Carrot Coupling Rear-View Mirror Attacher. 

Available in silver, gold and cute little baby seal fur.

FDA BLACKBOX WARNING: 

1.  The carrot in your carrot positioning sensor must be replaced every six months or after 23 nibbles, whichever comes first. Failure to do so may result in car rot, you rot and (if you have kids) tot rot.

2.  Substitutions for carrots such as rolling pins, dildos, cucumbers or used toilet plungers - even with the aid of your favorite lubricant - may result in that dreaded of all maladies, personas disorientes so lostus. A disease so bloody and rare it had to be sent back to the kitchen, so quick it wasn't worth getting back into bed for, so rapacious we had to look up what the word meant, so feared it required its own Affordable Care Act. 

3.  Despite the misguided meshugana musings and malaprops of the California Carrot Cooking Council, carrots are both a good source of vitamins A, B, D and E as well a wonderful source for the four cardinal directions: North, South, East and West. And that's all we've got to say about that.

TURN YOUR CAR INTO A GAS EFFICIENT HYBRID.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

DRIVE AN AVERAGE 145 MORE MILES ON A TANK OF GAS.

EASY TO INSTALL, EASIER TO SCREW UP

ALL FOR ONLY FIVE EASY MONTHLY PAYMENTS OF $29.99.

The People's Machine Factory #52 (see GSR  April 6, 2013 for more on this Chinese industrial juggernaut) of Huang Hey Province is pleased to announce that its first shipment of Easy Gas Hybrid Car Converter Kits is now for sale in the United States of America! The kits are available for most model cars including Ford, GM, Chrysler, BMW and Dodge. Once Japan agrees to the People's Republic of China's claim that Kibashi Island in the South China Sea is a Chinese protectorate, kits will  be made available for Nissan, Honda, Toyota and Subaru.

People's Machine Factory #52.
Voted "Best Factory to Work In"
five times by People Proletariat Magazine.

Are you pumping gas more than you're pumping your friends for money? Do you keep looking under your car to see if the gas tank is leaking? Does taking the bus to work seem to be a more viable option? Are you getting tired of looking at all those Prius owners with their smug, phony smiles, little rat-ass dogs and L. L. Bean distressed tofu flip flops?

Ruby Begonia installed her kit and hasn't
 needed a gas station (except to pee)
in three weeks.

Something like this hasn't made it here over from China since the first Relco 30 quart deluxe turkey fryer. True, one of the early models was described by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission as more dangerous than a runaway nuclear meltdown but those fryers were quickly recalled and every affected family was safely relocated.

But you don't have to worry about that. The People's Machine Factory #52 has been making and supplying over 98% of all the world's balloons without a single industrial accident of biblical proportion in over seven years. We've even managed to increase our worker burn-out replacement time from an average 42 minutes to a whopping 49 minutes! Further, every one of our workers has received at least 16 minutes of retraining once we converted our 2,600,000 square foot factory (special thanks to the 1.2 million displaced peasants) from balloon production to our newest attempt to become super rich, our Easy Gas Hybrid Converter Kits. Fat chance of finding any balloons next year for your grandmother's 75th birthday.

"I made sure all of the balloons were
bulletproof. Now I make watchamacallits."

Our Easy Gas Hybrid Car Converter Kit is the simplest and most economical way to convert your gas guzzling, exhaust polluting, incredibly loud sounding, 1970's transportation debacle into a tool for the millennium to come. Particularly so once the People's Republic of China owns you, your house, the company you work for and every other American asset east and west of the Mississippi. Our kits are easy to install and come with our complete step-by-step instructions in Mandarin, Cantonese and just about passable English. Coming soon in Norwegian! If you've ever put together a Large Hadron Collider in a single afternoon, this should be a piece of cake.

With the Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit there's no drilling involved. In fact, there's no screwing, cuckoldry, copulation, coitus, cuddling, intercourse, fondling, foreplay or sexual congress needed at all! Everything is included in your kit. You even get a heavy-duty tourniquet for when you invariably slice off a couple of fingers trying to install our under the hood stainless steel watchamacallit.

You may ask yourself, "Ta shi ruhe gonzuo de?" The Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit works by taking advantage of the great Ming dynasty philosopher and physicist, Li Ziyang's third law of physics: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Although it is forbidden by ancient Chinese custom to show an illustration of our product before you purchase one, be assured that when the People's Machine Factory #52 makes a product, we stand behind that product 100%! When's the best time to call customer service? Any third Thursday of the month around 4:00 AM as soon as you become fluent in Chinese.

All the neighbors will want to see
your new gas saving hybrid.

Remember, whether you drive two hours each way to work or just down the block to your local 7-Eleven to pick up your favorite Hot Pockets, once you're driving with your Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit installed, you'll hardly need a gas station again. Unless, of course, you're like our friend Ruby Begonia who just can't hold her beer.

ZEUS TO ATTEND EUROPEAN UNION TALKS ON SOURING GREEK ECONOMY

Mount Olympus announced today that Zeus, 8,347, will be directly participating in the round table discussions between the Greek government and the 17 members of the European Union in an effort to reach an agreement over Greece's economic situation.

In an exclusive interview, Esther Lester, GSR's Other Worldly Correspondent levitated with the Olympian deity Apollo to ask his opinion of the new Greek initiative. Mr. Apollo, whose resume includes god of music, art, poetry, plague, healing, manly beauty and archery began with the usual boilerplate Mount Olympus disclaimer: "First, let me say that the opinions I will express here today are solely mine and do not represent the opinion of any other gods and goddesses, mythological three headed beasts, one-eyed man-eating giants or that loud mouth Achilles. Ever since Brad Pitt played him in that movie Troy, he hasn't shut up. Although Angelina is one mortal I wouldn't mind taking to one of Dionysus's toga parties."

"Truly, do they think we have no purpose or influence over mere mortals anymore? Do they think Mount Olympus is some retirement village for those over 400 feet tall? Some place where outdated, out of touch immortals play shuffleboard all day and sit around talking about their inflamed gums? Look at global warming. Do they really think that global warming came from a bunch of weak, petty mortals, present company excluded, with their coal fired fuel plants and their gas guzzling VW Rabbits? Let me tell you. It's getting hot down below because we like it that way. And in a couple of hundred years, if we so choose, we'll cool it down again. Variety is the spice of immortal life, wouldn't you say?"

E.U. representatives after
vetoing Zeus's proposal to
forgive Greece's monetary debt.

Zeus, king of all the gods, is last known to have made the trip to terra firma in 1978 when he was asked to mediate a dispute between of George's Diner and the Parkway Diner when Anna Lakteris, a waitress at George's, fell in love with a waiter at the Parkway, quit her job and began working there. Harsh words were uttered after Frank Petrogalis, co-owner of the Parkway with his brother-in-law Mikos refused to send Anna back to George's Diner. The incident soon became an epic battle of mythological proportions when George, owner of George's, marched his entire staff over to the Parkway during the Friday night dinner hour, sat them down at the counter and ordered 37 split pea soups, moussakas, and small Greek salads to go. Then first blood was spilled when rumor spread that the Parkway used farm raised anchovies in all their salads.

Zeus can sit wherever he wants.

It was now a war of attrition, suspicion, sedition and bad nutrition. Clearly if something wasn't done New Jersey would be headed back to the Dark Ages of Philly cheese steaks and lobster thermidor. Was George's Famous Diner (distantly related to but not on speaking terms with) on Neptune Avenue in Brooklyn next? Would this be the end of those small little paper cups of coleslaw on the side? Would Western civilization never again be offered four day old butter cookies as they paid their bill?

The innocent people of northern New Jersey began to suffer while those on Mount Olympus found that takeout delivery times were becoming outrageous. They all called on Zeus and his mighty wisdom.

"Can't I ever get my oil and vinegar
on the side?" - Zeus

This isn't the Iliad I'm writing here, so let's just say this. Zeus makes his appearance, throws down a few lightning bolts, turns a few prep cooks into frogs, badda bing, badda boom, he makes the peace. Anna goes back to George's and gets herself a nice little summer house on Long Beach Island and the Parkway Dinner gets sole control over the souvlaki cartel for all of northern New Jersey down to and including exit 8 of the Turnpike for the next 236 years. End of story.

Preparations are now underway to accommodate Great Zeus and his expected entourage of gods and goddesses, nymphs (lots of nymphs), one-eyed human-eating giants and pet Minotaur. The top two floors of the King Midas hotel, two miles of air space above, and all the earth below the hotel down to Hades have been reserved. Complimentary river rides on the River Styx for all representatives of the European Union are being planned. Sources tell GSR that a chair large enough to sit Zeus will be delivered Saturday from Ikea although the estimated time to put the chair together is 286 years.

GSR INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: THE SECRET YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BECOME A MILLIONAIRE

There are books, podcasts, fortune cookies, even dead people. All telling you how that neighbor of yours down the block became a millionaire and how you can become one too. And except for his rotten kids and bad breath, wouldn't you like to be just like him?

Do you say to yourself "Why him? He's got no personality, no brains. Yet there he is drinking pina coladas, always going out to Friendly's for his Reese's Peanut Buttercup Sundae and walking around with his butt crack wide open for all the world to see and just not seeming to care."

Lucky for you, you're a Goat Soup Radio listener. Because GSR's top (and only) investigative reporter, Esther Lester, has done all the investigating and reporting for you. By breaking and entering the homes of millionaires throughout the greater Phoenix area, Mr. Lester has discovered through carbon dating, phone tapping and the occasional theft of certain plaid undergarments, the secret to becoming a millionaire. Her/His conclusions? You don't need to be born into it, or discover a cure for nasal hair or create the 10,456th Internet dating site. Claiming to be Andrew Carnegie's great-great-great-granddaughter did work once but it turned out to actually be his great-great-great-granddaughter. So that's taken.

When we finally managed to track down Esther at the Wishing Well Motel with two of our community college interns, what did she/he tell us that all of these self made millionaires have in common? What's their secret? Just three words, my friends: franks and beans. What do franks and beans have to do with becoming a millionaire? Everything. Imagine this. Instead of plunking down $6.25 for pizza and a drink, you go home and have a heaping plate of franks and beans, all for around $1.22.  You then take the amount now saved ($5.03, we think) and buy .003 ounces of gold. Each and every time you substitute franks and beans for your meal (breakfast, lunch or dinner) you take the amount saved and "go for the gold". Just 10 years of this and you could buy your own micro brewery. Make the full commitment for the next 20 years and you'll have so much money socked away you'll be able to sell that piece of junk you're driving and move up to a pre-certified used car!

It's never too early to begin investing in
your future.

How much can you retire with? Let's run the numbers. According to the National Institute of Family Foursomes, the average American family of four, in a typical week (including Arbor Day), consumes 152 chicken nuggets, 47 chocolate chip cookies, 56 Hot Pockets and one tomato. This all coming in at a whopping $182.78. Now, let's look at what's going to put you into that gated community you've always dreamed about:

1. Average number of hot dogs needed to feed a family of four on a weekly basis: 65
2. Average number of buns required per week: 74. Note: nine additional buns needed due to the rare but dreaded Blastomycosis Blackened Bun Barrage disease
3. Average number of pounds of baked beans needed to feed a family of four for a week (provided you get every bean that's sticking to the side of the can out): 43
4. Average time it takes to open a can of beans while only cutting one finger off: 7.5 seconds
5. Average cost to feed a family of four on franks and beans for one week: $44.45

Using the mathematical operation called subtraction (also called minus, less, difference, decrease, take away, or deduct, for those yet to obtain their GED) the amount saved is $182.78 - $44.45. Which we're pretty sure comes to $138.33! In one week!

And that's not all. The average family of four will therefore save nearly $745,000 in just 94 weeks! Think of it. No more having to answer the phone pretending it's a wrong number. Go ahead. Answer the phone and feel free to order as many ant farms as you want.

******************************************

Here's what a few of our "franks and beans millionaire neighbors" had to say:

"I'm a believer. I've been eating franks and beans every meal for two years now and have saved over $459! Unfortunately, my wife smokes, and with all my farting the house blew up just last week. We love you guys."  - Gary Smithereens. Burn Unit. No Such Luck Memorial Hospital. Coral Gables, FL

"With GSR's no hassle way to become a millionaire, my wife and I are now retired and living the good life." - Ben and Jerry Spinklestein. Sauerkraut Hills, CA

"My dad's been making  me eat franks and beans ever since I was born. It sucks. In fact, you suck Goat Soup Radio. I want a cheeseburger." - Little Tommy Pinto, age 8. Mustard Packet, MT

"Frankly I was skeptical. And at first, I didn't relish all those franks and beans. But, my buns really hurt from sitting on the floor because we couldn't afford furniture. Bean there, bun that. I gave it a try and I'm really glad I did. - Wally Weiner. Frankfurt, Germany
******************************************

"I made my millions and so can you."
 - Tomichi Murayama. Osaga, Japan

So feel free to use our tried and true method. And unlike any other investment strategy out there, we guarantee success or failure, which ever comes first.

FDA BLACK BOX WARNING: Substituting the required baked beans with french fries will result in hypofarturemia, thus creating a significant loss of buoyancy when taking a bath. If this occurs, both the Surgeon General and the Orthopedic Lieutenant recommend having a frank talk with your loved ones concerning the four P's of advanced hypofarturemia:

1. Your penchant for pigs in a blanket 
2. Your preference for sauerkraut over fried onions
3. Your pontificating on how to get mustard stains out of  bedroom linen
4. Your pending demise

LAWN PUS PLUS: A HEALTHIER LAWN YOU'LL NEVER FIND

A Word From The Publisher: This has got to be the grossest story that Goat Soup Radio has put together. Obviously, they are on the road to oblivion and they're just plain desperate for something to say. Shameful.

Nitrates? Cow manure? Vitamin B-12 shots? Have you tried them all only to find your lawn as unhealthy as ever? As grungy, defiled, lifeless, patchy and just plain mostly dead as your sex life? There is hope, you know. The makers of Dr. Smith's Original Home Care Tonsillectomy Removal Kit, complete with two syringes of just expired Novocaine and five kinds of antibiotics (in the highly likely event you come down afterwards with some raging infection) is pleased to offer Dr. Tommy's "two weeks to greener grass" 24 ounce bottle of Lawn Pus Plus.

Before using Lawn Pus Plus
(actual real life lawn)

After using Lawn Pus Plus (actual
real life lawn if you're a cartoon)

Previously only available to golf courses, football stadiums and nudist camps needing that thick green carpet of grass so as to avoid a nudist's worst nightmare, blistering buttocks boils, it is now available at your favorite garden nursery.  Editor's Note: This amazing product is not carried at Home Depot. Unfortunately, they are already carrying a somewhat similar product, Dr. Larry's "two weeks to a greener grass" 24 ounce bottle of  Lawn Excrement Extra. Good stuff, but it'll turn your kid's DNA into shit.


No matter what condition your grass is in. No matter how many gophers have turned it into their own Shangri-la. No matter if some hay chewing, red flannel shirt wearing, freckled nosed, lived all his life on a farm, blue ribbon Guernsey cow farmer with a Masters degree in mulchinomics has told you that your lawn can't be brought back to its original pristine condition... don't believe those sniveling, communist, anti-cheeseburger eating naysayers.

How does Dr. Tommy's patented Lawn Pus Plus work the miracle that no one dreamed possible? It's a story worth telling. So put down your fork, bring your chair to its upright position, take a minute or two to scratch yourself if you feel the need and give a listen.

Growing up in Crooked Neck, Georgia, Little Tommy learned just about everything there was to know about grass from his grandfather, Big Bones "Burping" Bob. For years little Tommy had watched his grandfather collect the cut grass from their lawn, put it all in a big black bag and carry it into the barn, quickly closing the door behind him.  One day, after all the chickens had been milked, Little Tommy had an idea. Waiting until everyone had left the farm to watch the takeout window go up and down at June's Famous Roadkill Bar-B-Que in Hey Abbott township, Tommy, using chopsticks so as not to arouse suspicion, began digging a hole behind the barn to let himself in. Squeezing himself through the hole under the barn, Tommy made it inside. Although dark and very barn-like, Tommy could just about make out the primitive laboratory that Burping Bob had set up to squeeze and collect every zit and blackhead of every cow, chicken, moose and pimply faced talking pig on the farm. It all became so clear. Combining all that thick bodily pus with those grass filings, Big Bones "Burping" Bob had invented the scientific field of Professional Pus Farmacology all by himself!

Here's what you need to know about Dr. Tommy's Lawn Pus Plus:

• Comes in 24 ounce size bottles with the exclusive "Push Pus" extractor cap
• Almost guaranteed not to genetically combine with any other mammalian zits
• Excellent wear and tear resistance (who would want to walk on that stuff?)
• 99.99% biodegradable. Check out our Youtube video of Dr. Tommy drinking a whole bottle of Lawn Pus Plus just before he died a horrible death 
• Fear of overdosing your lawn with Lawn Pus Plus? Each bottle comes with a coupon for $2.00 off any size tube of Clearasil Lawn Cleanser
• Looking for even more bang for your buck? Try Dr. Tommy's Lawn Pus Plus Extra with seven vitamins, minerals and cute puppy dog smiles