CONGRESS MOVES THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY TO JANUARY

CHANGE GOES INTO EFFECT 2017
LOSING SIDE CRIES FOWL
SEEN AS VICTORY FOR K STREET TURKEYS FOR TOMORROW LOBBY

After three hours of intense debate, the House of Representatives narrowly passed the American Turkey Reprieve Bill (HR No. BIRD-485). Perched high above the steps of the Capitol, Representative Warren G. Breastbone made the historic announcement. "Between those who wanted to stuff themselves each Thanksgiving with turkey and those that wanted to give all turkeys the right to a long and prosperous life, a compromise has been reached. By moving the holiday to January, turkeys from coast to coast will have an additional two months to kick around the barnyard, grow fat with their friends and family and live long enough to find out who won the Superbowl. Some may say that two months is just not enough but we must keep in mind that a turkey year is the same as 18 human years.... I think. Once the National Cranberry Sauce Association signs on, we think it'll fly."

It may be too late here for Fred but we're
sure he's smiling down from avian heaven.

Snood Wattle, spokesperson for Turkeys Have Rights And Souls, Hombre (THRASH) put out the following statement:  "A simple presidential pardon of just one turkey each year by the president was unacceptable. Why should that one pardoned turkey carry all that guilt? Let the word go forth from this time and place that each and every turkey deserves his or her share of the American sweet potato pie."

Baste University recently polled 1,246 turkeys and asked if they preferred the extra two months of life or would they rather be electrocuted, decapitated, plucked and frozen for the traditional November date. By a margin of 1,242 to 3, the preference was to wait until January. One turkey wasn't home and three turkeys liked the fact that Thanksgiving fell on the last Thursday in November and said they couldn't wait to become tomorrow's leftovers. 
Editor's Note: These three suicidal birds have since received intensive psychological help and are now doing much better except for the occasional quack. The one non respondent turkey came home Tuesday and has since found a job at Whole Foods collecting shopping carts in the parking lot.

Goat Soup Radio has obtained through the Freedom of Giblet Act, the previously double secret hidden political  platform of THRASH and is presenting it here for your listening pleasure.

1. Every turkey deserves to live a long and fruitful life regardless of how juicy its breast meat is.
2. Shoved into a turkey's breast, those sharp, pointy pop up turkey timers represent a form of cruel and unusual punishment and should be replaced by non invasive digital scanning thermometers.
3. Gay. lesbian and transgender turkeys should be allowed to add their significant other onto their health insurance plan.
4. People should be made aware that saying that someone has a turkey neck is a compliment and not a derisive comment.
5. Over 10 million turkey wishbones are snatched from turkeys annually and maliciously torn apart. The federal government should immediately begin work on creating the world's first sure-grip stem cell wishbone.
6. Roasting turns the skin of a turkey golden brown which can cause premature age spots (the dreaded turkey freckleiasis). Before placing the turkey in the oven, only apply butter or oil to the turkey skin with an SPF14 rating or higher. 
7. Most turkeys do not stay in school past the eighth grade. All turkeys should be encouraged to graduate on time. 
8. Congress should pass the Free Range Turkey Bill permitting turkeys to travel throughout the United States and Canada without the threat of being mistaken for an ostrich and shot.
9. Turkey pot pies are primitive, vestigial hold outs from 18th century American colonial recipes at their worst and should be immediately outlawed under penalty of no less than three days of painful pernicious public pubic pecking.
10. Eat a leg, plant a leg. Turkeys once roamed the Americas in the millions. Sadly, their numbers have dwindled. After finishing that moist, meaty turkey leg, go out to the garden, plant the uneaten leg at least six inches below ground, water carefully and help fill the skies once again with that American of all birds.
11. Eleven? You try to write one of these. 

RIGHT: I wish I was 6 inches taller and had a smaller forehead.

LEFT:  I wish I could find someone else to date besides this mellon head.

CAREENING CHIANTI CARAFE COLLISION KILLS CLAIR VOYANT (45), CLAIRVOYANT TO THE STARS AND FRANCHISE DEVELOPER

Yesterday, Hollywood's 'D', 'E' and 'F' list paid their final respects to Clair Voyant, one of the most powerful figures in movies, television and Greek oracles. Known in the trade as an-expensive-know-it-all-before-it-happens, Ms. Voyant, Ouija to her friends, epitomized the typical Hollywood story.

Growing up under her parents kitchen sink in I Liked Being a Territory, Idaho and never seeing a can opener until she was 12, Ms. Voyant could only picture in her mind what it would be like to run through a school playground, the air whistling through her hair and not hitting her head on a drain pipe. But I digress.

No car? Just call us up. Note
official Clair's uniform and cap.

After making her way west in the back of a cabbage truck, Clair knew she'd score big.Time and time again she was able to pick Hollywood's winners and losers: the movies, the stars, the boob jobs, the elevated shoes. It was said that for $500, Clair would choose for you the right movie project, tomorrow's wardrobe and your next colonoscopy. 

Pinching her pennies and many a cheek among Hollywood's glitterati, Clair opened her first fortune telling storefront. One store became five and soon, Clair's House of Clairvoyance became one of the most successful franchises around. With over 650 storefront fortune tellers, many with Clair's exclusive Read Your Palm drive-through windows, Clair Voyant made her fortune. Famous for creating the concept of  "super-timing"  one's session from the regular 20 minutes to an extra large 50 minutes of predictions, prognostications and pure nonsense, Clair's House of Clairvoyance left her competition far behind.

Taken right from the prospectus of Clair's House of Clairvoyance, here are seven reasons why you should become an owner of one of the fastest growing franchises in the world.

1. Be your own boss, set your own hours and find out how to fleece anyone.
2. Learn how to levitate, walk on the ceiling and make howling, creepy sounds just by pulling on your ear lobe.
3. Make new friends with dead people.
4. Become really good at shaking tables without anyone seeing you do it.
5. Once you get the hang of teleporting your mind, you'll never loose a sock again.
6. By always having to keep the room dark, you'll cut your monthly utility bills in half.
7. Ready to retire? Drill three holes into your crystal ball and take up bowling.

Still not convinced that Clair's House of Clairvoyance isn't the best investment you could make? Go ask someone at McDonald's if you should put all your money into Balkan organic clam farming and see what kind of an answer you get.

Hesitant? Listen to Clair (from Beyond) and know that you're making the right decision. 

"Comrade, Are you tired of working in a dead end job when you could be working with dead people, not to mention a beloved dead pet once in a while? Haven't you had your fill of bending over every time the boss comes around when you could be bending forks and spoons just by thinking it? But let's be really honest. It's not the money, is it? We both know it's the power! Here I am standing right behind you, whispering in your ear and I'm dead. True, you're an idiot. But isn't that the point? Comrade, let me make you rich!"

PROTECT YOUR U.S. ASSETS WITH AN OVERSEAS FRIEND

Is the IRS slowly eating you alive? Don't you want to stop filling all your empty peanut butter jars with your hard won tens and twenties? Or are you a 56 year old middle school art teacher (a complete failure at internet dating, by the way) who has saved every penny you've ever earned, always turned off the lights when leaving the room and has brought the same boring cucumber and lettuce sandwich to school every day for the past 23 years?

Gooch's All Night Island Towing and Asset Management Group would love to hear from you! Not one of the 7,387 other asset management companies on our tropical, sunny island of Little Cay can hide your money better and change your car's windshield wipers faster then us. We've been in the business since 1998 with 17 U.S outstanding warrants, 46 subpoenas and no convictions!

Harvey says, "Thanks to Mr. Gooch,
I'll now be able to take it all with me."

Editor's Note: The etymological  origin of the word 'asset' is unknown. However, the first known use of the word (for the listener's convenience, here set in bold)  is found in William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

ACT 2 Sc. 4
ROMEO  Reason not the need. Pray tell, hast thou spied Juliet, what a beautiful ass et seems to be.

Really, why hide your money somewhere on Little Cay and not also have the peace of mind of never having to fix a flat yourself? Do you really want to come down here and give all your assets to some elitist, ivy league graduate who only cares about his golf swing and upcoming divorce so he can finally score his trophy wife?

FAQs

I have a lot of money invested in a hog farm in North Dakota. How many hogs can you keep for me?
What, are you crazy? If you want to put all that bacon somewhere, send it over to IHOP. This ain't no barnyard.

I am a high net worth client. Can you accommodate me? 
Brother, you come down here and we'll set you up real good. Homemade Jamaican beef patties, your own take home beach towel and all the curry goat you can eat.

Can a foreigner open a bank account in Little Cay?
Now what you want to go do that for man? You just bring over all your cash, gold and diamonds to Mr. Gooch and don't you worry about any of that.

What if I'm followed down to Little Cay?
Not to worry man. They may fly into Little Cay on Antigua Air but they'll be flying out of Little Cay on little angel wings.

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Just listen to what some of our handful of customers have to say about Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group:

"I've been stealing from my company for years. I was rolling in dead presidents. Fancy cars, jewelry, my own line of organic staple guns. But I still couldn't hide it quickly enough from the wife and kids. Then, I heard of Gooch's. Now I get to keep all of my money and I don't need my AAA card anymore." - Esther Lester III, Goldilocks, Texas.

"Yes, I had a Gooch account in Little Cay. My money was safe but then I got careless and I began to keep some extra cash in one of those Swiss banks you keep hearing about. Big mistake. The feds stepped in and now all I get for breakfast is water and powdered eggs." - Earl O. Glouschester, Inmate no. 584739. Aurora Prison for the Criminally Inept and Stupid, This-Ain't-No-Alcatraz, Maine.

"I sent Mr. Gooch $8.98 that I saved from my lemonade stand. Now I wanna buy a goldfish but he won't let me have any of my money back. That's not fair. I want my money!" - Little Tommy Gunn, 7, Crybaby, Illinois.

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And remember...
 Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group is a founding member of the Little Cay Better Business Bureau for the Betterment of Us and Screw Everyone Else.

GSR REACHES 1 MILLION HITS PER DAY

Independent Media Stream recently announced its latest 20 day statistical study on the biggest drivers of net referrals, web traffic and turning off your computer and just going out for a nice quiet walk. Moving up behind Facebook, Yahoo and Gunga Din, Goat Soup Radio has increased listeners to its web site by more than 459% in the last lunar cycle.

Artist rendition of Betty Bisquick, GSR's
 1M page viewer on July 23, 2014.

How did two unemployed small engine repair servicemen take their dream of becoming the voice of downtown Phoenix and turn it into the internet juggernaut that has become Goat Soup Radio in just 17 short months? Where did Steve and Lee Ryman develop their well honed skills in comedy, journalism, pick-up lines, political savvy and the ability to inspire the 12,456 employees of GSR (12,448 interns, 5 grill masters, two professional steer wrestling champions and one yodeling cowgirl) to ever greater heights of critical writing, baby talk discourse, fragrant French fuzzy farts, copyright infringement and donkey pong?

Was it their ability to put on a French-Canadian accent at a moment’s notice? Their color coordinated flip flops? Their predilection for Mexican beer, nude karaoke and Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap?

True, the employment numbers are slightly exaggerated by about 12,454. And, there is no yodeling cowgirl. However, Steve swears that Lindsay, a girl he dated about three years ago, used to yodel in bed, although it was embarrassingly painful to listen to. 

GSR's imaginary 12,454 employees
would probably want to do this
everyday during lunch.

Editor's Note (just before he quit): About the only thing GSR can really lay claim to is consistency. After 17 months of weekly tirades against everybody and everything, GSR still hasn't garnered any followers, comments or a single,"Waz up?". What's the point? I'm still living at home, I can't find my skateboard and my iphone hasn't worked in six months.

However, things are starting to turn around. The Securities and No Change Commission has contacted our lawyer in Folsom Prison, Esther Lester (inmate no. 4857-AC/DC), demanding an explanation as to how we have monopolized the web in so short a time. Not wishing to be put in time out, GSR has decided to come clean and present their Eight Rules For Telling A Joke. 

1. Jokes must be told in English. It doesn't help if the waitress ein grobes Durcheinander ihre Hose. 
2. Very long jokes better have something to do with sex.
3. If you plan on telling a joke in a bar while sitting on a swivel type bar stool, unless the person you are telling the joke to is very, very fat, do not twist more than 18 degrees in any direction.
4. When telling a joke to a very short person try not to drool.
5. To make a joke even better, get naked. Things tend to shake.
6. Never tell a really good joke standing directly in front of someone who is eating Cheerios out of the box.
7. Just like a sentence, a joke must have a subject and a predicate. We're not sure what a predicate is, but try not to be the subject of your own joke.
8. It is never a good idea to tell a joke to someone who is retaining water.

COLONEL FRANK'S MILITARY STRENGTH BUBBLE BATH SOAP. SUPPLY LIMITED.

Ginger's Country Store and  Bar-B-Que Pit  is pleased to announce their large but limited purchase of  Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap. Available in one pound and battalion size 25 pound packages, Colonel Frank's Bubble Bath Soap will be sure to please everyone in your platoon.

At ease. Have you ever stood buck naked in front of your tub, ready to take the plunge, only to know deep down in your gut that your bubble bath just isn't up to snuff? Is your tub smelling of some Martha Stewart floral arrangement? Are your bubbles popping under the slightest friendly fire? Do you find yourself rubbing your skin raw just because the cleaning power of your bubble bath is only fit for civilians that couldn't tell the difference between an M-17 and a Kalashnikov? We feel for you, sister.

I love my Colonel Frank's Bubble Bath
Soap so much, I'm thinking of enlisting!

That's why Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap is just what you need. Just one ounce added to your bath, whether at home, catching a little R&R south of the border or out on look out, you'll see, smell and feel the difference just as soon as you dip your big toe into that gorgeous pool of liquid nirvana. Close your eyes and just smell the built in aroma of burning gun powder wafting from the bath. Then, once immersed, feel the soap bubbles, each and every regulation size 22 mm diameter bubble guaranteed to last the life of your bath... even if you're one of those who lies there hour after hour listening to Otis Redding on your ipod.

And don't forget. No ring around the tub when you're keeping company with Colonel Frank. The Colonel's exclusive "take no prisoners" cleansing action reconnoiters, surrounds, and practically nukes each and every grease ball, unaccounted for pubic hair and oily drop of sweat that a soldier like you can produce either out in the field or back on base.

So take advantage of this special offer right now. Drop your weapon, salute the sarge and put out a Mayday for Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap. It's what America needs. It's where you want to be.

Colonel Frank's Bubble Bath Soap is
also a favorite with the K-9 Corps.

And, if you order in the next 10 minutes supplying  your name, rank, sharp shooter awards, and an 8 X 10 colored glossy of yourself ready to take the plunge, Ginger may just decide to come over and fix that first bath for you.

FDA RED LABEL WARNING:  Ingestion of Colonel Franks's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap bubbles may trigger the lethal form of constipation previously only found in wombats, constipationis maximus. There is no cure and do not bother to call Poison Control. Get your affairs in order and take your best outfit to the dry cleaners right now.

WELCOME TO GSR'S PERSONAL MAKEOVER TIP # 326

Imagine whitening your teeth the same way some of Hollywood's biggest stars do. GSR wants to let you in on their secret. But first, ask yourself these five questions:

• Are you on the American Dental Association's 'Do Not Treat List'?
• When you open your mouth are astronomers reminded of a black hole?
• Are your teeth so yellow, when you open your mouth cars slow down thinking it's a yellow traffic light?
• Have you spent all of your money with commercial teeth whiteners but to no avail?
• Do the bristles of your toothbrush dissolve away after only a few days of use?
• Has your breath been designated a toxic Superfund site?

If you answered yes to all of the above questions, then it's all in

God's hands. But, if you answered no to two or more questions, then there is hope.

"Why"? you may ask. "Especially after I've been clean and sober all these 12 weeks do I need to address this issue?" 

A recent survey in Car and Bar Magazine found that poor oral hygiene is only behind a runny nose and projectile vomiting when it comes to wanting to better oneself. Consider these questions. Do you really want to wait 20 years when the amount of atmospheric carbon dioxide reaches 450 ppm before taking action? Are you prepared to empty out all of Walmart's Oral Hygiene shelves just to score a date? Of course not, comrade.

So here's GSR's Personal Makeover Tip Number 327.

1. Visit your favorite office supply store and pick up a bottle of Sylvia's Liquid White Up Correction fluid.
2. Purchase a bottle of Babushka's Nail Hardener Solution at your local pharmacy.
3. Go home, have a beer or two, and then add seven drops of Babushka's Nail Hardener to Sylvia's Liquid White Up.
4. Close the screw cap tight and then shake that bottle like your hand was on fire.
5. Then, stand in front of a mirror and give us that stupid little grin you're famous for.
6. Open the cap and with the included applicator brush begin applying the solution to all of your remaining teeth.
7. To allow the solution to dry thoroughly, we suggest you count to 5,345 backwards before closing your mouth. 

   

   Remember: Tip #326 also works
   for your pets

   
   

Reapply every 437 days or before you become psychotic, whichever comes first.

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Future Makeover Tips include:

Number 327. Turn your smelly feet into your best friends.

Number 328. Use those fingernail clippings for that special holiday garnish.

Number 329. Eliminating nasal hair with only a single lit match.

FDA RED LABEL WARNING: Spilling just a few drops of Babushka's Nail Hardener on one's Johnson requires prompt medical attention. Until  help arrives, immediately immerse the boner in Chan's Old Fashioned Duck Sauce. Remember, seconds count!

ONCE ELECTED, HILLARY HINTS TO NOMINATE BILL AND CHELSEA FOR AMBASSADORSHIPS

In a surprising act of political openness, Hillary Clinton twittered yesterday the future disposition of her daughter, Chelsea and her husband, ex-president Bill Clinton, once Mrs. Clinton is to become president. Chelsea Clinton graduated mangia cum latte from Slippery Rock University and received a master's certification in Northern Italian Cooking. Pending Congressional approval, she will become Ambassador to Italy, Little Italy and Papa John's.
Her husband has been told to pack his bags and get ready for an eight year stint as ambassador to Easter Island. Although no one on Easter Island has ever heard of the internet, karaoke, Happy Hour or Monica Lewinsky, Bill has been assured that he will have open access to the oval office whenever the mail plane finds its way back the island.

Chelsea refuses to switch ambassadorships, but
Bill continues to press the point.

"Chelsea has always been the brains behind my policy initiatives while I was Secretary of State. I can't think of another individual with more impressive qualifications necessary to carry out this important assignment," twittered Mrs. Clinton. Editor's Note: Certain rock stars, hedge fund managers and all around hotties are allowed to go beyond the 140 character limitation that most of us have to deal with. Unfair!

When GSR asked Chelsea Clinton's people how she felt about the appointment, her people put out the following statement. "Chelsea feels that this is the perfect job for her. It brings together many of her finest attributes: a smattering of the Italian language, her love of anything papal and a strong desire to bring northern Italian cooking back to network television."

Waiting for Ambassador Clinton.

However, experts disagree how easy it will be for Hilary to get her husband's nomination as ambassador to Easter Island through the tough vetting process. Traditionally, the post has gone to ax murderers, Kim Kardashian look-a-likes or stowaways. However, with a native female to giant stone monolith ratio of 3 to 1, members of the House and Garden subcommittee on Lascivious Appointments may be hesitant to approve the nomination.

"It was tough at first," said Mrs. Clinton, "to convince Bill that Easter Island was where he would help me the most. True, you're essentially cut off from the outside world save for an anchovy boat that makes its way to the island about every seven months. And yes, baked albatross is the national dish. But, when I told him La Nina was predicted to make landfall, he rose to the occasion as he always does. He'd also like to meet La Nina's mom."