|Laying The Cable|
In what is being called the most closely guarded secret in US history, the CIA has been slowly moving Cuba closer to the United States. In papers secretly copied deep within CIA headquarters, CIA operative Tom Quigley has broken the organization's most closely guarded plot. " I wanted to take it to Staples but all those dimes just kill you," said Mr. Quigley.
Mailed out to both the Washington Post and Tattoo and Lace Magazine, the papers reveal that one of Richard Nixon's last decisions in office was to approve the CIA's plan to bring Cuba to American shores and then once and for all eliminate Fidel Castro. On June 16, 1972, one day before the arrest of the Watergate burglars, elite Navy Seal units were positioned approximately 1 mile off the northern coast of Cuba. Under cover of moonlight, and swimming under water in teams of three, each unit carried a 10 inch diameter titanium cable which they attached to certain strategic points along the northern coast of Cuba.
Cuba never saw it coming.
Yesterday, the White House was forced to put out the following announcement: "Since the early 1970's, when it became apparent that the US government's attempts to neutralize Castro had failed, other means were considered. Exploding cigars, poisoned Twinkies, giant hair balls had all failed. One act seemed our best choice. And so, in President Nixon's last State of the Nation speech before Congress he told the nation that 'it is time to slowly reel in that Cuban dictator and see justice done.' Always being open and honest, President Nixon did exactly that."
The secreted papers, now known as the "Tattoo Papers" stated that, "Once the cables were attached, the cable wench, secretly located under Harry's Fish and Tackle Marina in Key West, would pull in the 47 cables a distance of 2 inches at noon every day.
To continue the ruse, nuclear powered Class Elvis submarines were positioned every ten miles off the Cuban coast. Attached to the top of these submarines was a large piece of oak tag measuring 78 miles long by 5 miles high. Painted on the side facing Cuba was a portrait of Key West as seen 90 miles from Cuba. On the other side, facing the United States so as not to arouse suspicion, was a painting of the Golden Arches. As the cable would bring the island closer to the US, the submarines would move in tandem the same distance (2 inches per day) further way from the island.
Of course, Cablegate as it is now known, required the cooperation of the cruise line companies. And so, whenever a passenger would ask if that was a large tropical island inching closer to Ernest Hemingway's house, the entire crew would say that it was merely a school of sea turtles.
The papers reveal that during hurricane Steve in 1998, five of the titanium cables snapped, causing the island to turn a complete 180 degrees. All 44 submarines had to quickly move to the southern side of the island so as not to give away Cuba's real position. Due to the heavy rains and wind they were never found out. Unfortunately this now put the submarines just 1000 feet off the coast of Jamaica with it's 5 mile high picture of the Golden Arches. Within 5 hours all 27 McDonald's on the island were out of Big Mac's. A special plea from the Jamaican prime minister had 2 C-47 transport planes air drop 800 gallons of special sauce to the island. Later that month all 18 crew members received a free MacDonald's coupon good toward the purchase of a large fries.
CIA spokeswoman Joan "Tight Lip" Clandestini had this to say,"now that the cat is out of the bag, the CIA would like to admit, once and for all, of it's total involvement in this hair brained scheme and would just like to move on."
Goat Soup Radio's man in Havana, Esteban Ryman, spoke to some people after the story got out. Juan Lopez, 46, a white wall tire painter had this to say. "Ay caramba. All these years when my walls shook at noon I thought it was my neighbors, Pilar and Jorge taking a quick run with the bulls, if you know what I mean. I always wondered how they could be so punctual and so hot all those years."
Awoken from his sleep and told that Cuba is now 8 nautical miles from the coast of Key West, Fidel Castro is reported to have asked how far the drive was from Key West to Disney World and if he could borrow an Easy Pass.