TURN YOUR CAR INTO A GAS EFFICIENT HYBRID.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

DRIVE AN AVERAGE 145 MORE MILES ON A TANK OF GAS.

EASY TO INSTALL, EASIER TO SCREW UP

ALL FOR ONLY FIVE EASY MONTHLY PAYMENTS OF $29.99.

The People's Machine Factory #52 (see GSR  April 6, 2013 for more on this Chinese industrial juggernaut) of Huang Hey Province is pleased to announce that its first shipment of Easy Gas Hybrid Car Converter Kits is now for sale in the United States of America! The kits are available for most model cars including Ford, GM, Chrysler, BMW and Dodge. Once Japan agrees to the People's Republic of China's claim that Kibashi Island in the South China Sea is a Chinese protectorate, kits will  be made available for Nissan, Honda, Toyota and Subaru.

People's Machine Factory #52.
Voted "Best Factory to Work In"
five times by People Proletariat Magazine.

Are you pumping gas more than you're pumping your friends for money? Do you keep looking under your car to see if the gas tank is leaking? Does taking the bus to work seem to be a more viable option? Are you getting tired of looking at all those Prius owners with their smug, phony smiles, little rat-ass dogs and L. L. Bean distressed tofu flip flops?

Ruby Begonia installed her kit and hasn't
 needed a gas station (except to pee)
in three weeks.

Something like this hasn't made it here over from China since the first Relco 30 quart deluxe turkey fryer. True, one of the early models was described by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission as more dangerous than a runaway nuclear meltdown but those fryers were quickly recalled and every affected family was safely relocated.

But you don't have to worry about that. The People's Machine Factory #52 has been making and supplying over 98% of all the world's balloons without a single industrial accident of biblical proportion in over seven years. We've even managed to increase our worker burn-out replacement time from an average 42 minutes to a whopping 49 minutes! Further, every one of our workers has received at least 16 minutes of retraining once we converted our 2,600,000 square foot factory (special thanks to the 1.2 million displaced peasants) from balloon production to our newest attempt to become super rich, our Easy Gas Hybrid Converter Kits. Fat chance of finding any balloons next year for your grandmother's 75th birthday.

"I made sure all of the balloons were
bulletproof. Now I make watchamacallits."

Our Easy Gas Hybrid Car Converter Kit is the simplest and most economical way to convert your gas guzzling, exhaust polluting, incredibly loud sounding, 1970's transportation debacle into a tool for the millennium to come. Particularly so once the People's Republic of China owns you, your house, the company you work for and every other American asset east and west of the Mississippi. Our kits are easy to install and come with our complete step-by-step instructions in Mandarin, Cantonese and just about passable English. Coming soon in Norwegian! If you've ever put together a Large Hadron Collider in a single afternoon, this should be a piece of cake.

With the Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit there's no drilling involved. In fact, there's no screwing, cuckoldry, copulation, coitus, cuddling, intercourse, fondling, foreplay or sexual congress needed at all! Everything is included in your kit. You even get a heavy-duty tourniquet for when you invariably slice off a couple of fingers trying to install our under the hood stainless steel watchamacallit.

You may ask yourself, "Ta shi ruhe gonzuo de?" The Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit works by taking advantage of the great Ming dynasty philosopher and physicist, Li Ziyang's third law of physics: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Although it is forbidden by ancient Chinese custom to show an illustration of our product before you purchase one, be assured that when the People's Machine Factory #52 makes a product, we stand behind that product 100%! When's the best time to call customer service? Any third Thursday of the month around 4:00 AM as soon as you become fluent in Chinese.

All the neighbors will want to see
your new gas saving hybrid.

Remember, whether you drive two hours each way to work or just down the block to your local 7-Eleven to pick up your favorite Hot Pockets, once you're driving with your Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit installed, you'll hardly need a gas station again. Unless, of course, you're like our friend Ruby Begonia who just can't hold her beer.

ZEUS TO ATTEND EUROPEAN UNION TALKS ON SOURING GREEK ECONOMY

Mount Olympus announced today that Zeus, 8,347, will be directly participating in the round table discussions between the Greek government and the 17 members of the European Union in an effort to reach an agreement over Greece's economic situation.

In an exclusive interview, Esther Lester, GSR's Other Worldly Correspondent levitated with the Olympian deity Apollo to ask his opinion of the new Greek initiative. Mr. Apollo, whose resume includes god of music, art, poetry, plague, healing, manly beauty and archery began with the usual boilerplate Mount Olympus disclaimer: "First, let me say that the opinions I will express here today are solely mine and do not represent the opinion of any other gods and goddesses, mythological three headed beasts, one-eyed man-eating giants or that loud mouth Achilles. Ever since Brad Pitt played him in that movie Troy, he hasn't shut up. Although Angelina is one mortal I wouldn't mind taking to one of Dionysus's toga parties."

"Truly, do they think we have no purpose or influence over mere mortals anymore? Do they think Mount Olympus is some retirement village for those over 400 feet tall? Some place where outdated, out of touch immortals play shuffleboard all day and sit around talking about their inflamed gums? Look at global warming. Do they really think that global warming came from a bunch of weak, petty mortals, present company excluded, with their coal fired fuel plants and their gas guzzling VW Rabbits? Let me tell you. It's getting hot down below because we like it that way. And in a couple of hundred years, if we so choose, we'll cool it down again. Variety is the spice of immortal life, wouldn't you say?"

E.U. representatives after
vetoing Zeus's proposal to
forgive Greece's monetary debt.

Zeus, king of all the gods, is last known to have made the trip to terra firma in 1978 when he was asked to mediate a dispute between of George's Diner and the Parkway Diner when Anna Lakteris, a waitress at George's, fell in love with a waiter at the Parkway, quit her job and began working there. Harsh words were uttered after Frank Petrogalis, co-owner of the Parkway with his brother-in-law Mikos refused to send Anna back to George's Diner. The incident soon became an epic battle of mythological proportions when George, owner of George's, marched his entire staff over to the Parkway during the Friday night dinner hour, sat them down at the counter and ordered 37 split pea soups, moussakas, and small Greek salads to go. Then first blood was spilled when rumor spread that the Parkway used farm raised anchovies in all their salads.

Zeus can sit wherever he wants.

It was now a war of attrition, suspicion, sedition and bad nutrition. Clearly if something wasn't done New Jersey would be headed back to the Dark Ages of Philly cheese steaks and lobster thermidor. Was George's Famous Diner (distantly related to but not on speaking terms with) on Neptune Avenue in Brooklyn next? Would this be the end of those small little paper cups of coleslaw on the side? Would Western civilization never again be offered four day old butter cookies as they paid their bill?

The innocent people of northern New Jersey began to suffer while those on Mount Olympus found that takeout delivery times were becoming outrageous. They all called on Zeus and his mighty wisdom.

"Can't I ever get my oil and vinegar
on the side?" - Zeus

This isn't the Iliad I'm writing here, so let's just say this. Zeus makes his appearance, throws down a few lightning bolts, turns a few prep cooks into frogs, badda bing, badda boom, he makes the peace. Anna goes back to George's and gets herself a nice little summer house on Long Beach Island and the Parkway Dinner gets sole control over the souvlaki cartel for all of northern New Jersey down to and including exit 8 of the Turnpike for the next 236 years. End of story.

Preparations are now underway to accommodate Great Zeus and his expected entourage of gods and goddesses, nymphs (lots of nymphs), one-eyed human-eating giants and pet Minotaur. The top two floors of the King Midas hotel, two miles of air space above, and all the earth below the hotel down to Hades have been reserved. Complimentary river rides on the River Styx for all representatives of the European Union are being planned. Sources tell GSR that a chair large enough to sit Zeus will be delivered Saturday from Ikea although the estimated time to put the chair together is 286 years.

GSR INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: THE SECRET YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BECOME A MILLIONAIRE

There are books, podcasts, fortune cookies, even dead people. All telling you how that neighbor of yours down the block became a millionaire and how you can become one too. And except for his rotten kids and bad breath, wouldn't you like to be just like him?

Do you say to yourself "Why him? He's got no personality, no brains. Yet there he is drinking pina coladas, always going out to Friendly's for his Reese's Peanut Buttercup Sundae and walking around with his butt crack wide open for all the world to see and just not seeming to care."

Lucky for you, you're a Goat Soup Radio listener. Because GSR's top (and only) investigative reporter, Esther Lester, has done all the investigating and reporting for you. By breaking and entering the homes of millionaires throughout the greater Phoenix area, Mr. Lester has discovered through carbon dating, phone tapping and the occasional theft of certain plaid undergarments, the secret to becoming a millionaire. Her/His conclusions? You don't need to be born into it, or discover a cure for nasal hair or create the 10,456th Internet dating site. Claiming to be Andrew Carnegie's great-great-great-granddaughter did work once but it turned out to actually be his great-great-great-granddaughter. So that's taken.

When we finally managed to track down Esther at the Wishing Well Motel with two of our community college interns, what did she/he tell us that all of these self made millionaires have in common? What's their secret? Just three words, my friends: franks and beans. What do franks and beans have to do with becoming a millionaire? Everything. Imagine this. Instead of plunking down $6.25 for pizza and a drink, you go home and have a heaping plate of franks and beans, all for around $1.22.  You then take the amount now saved ($5.03, we think) and buy .003 ounces of gold. Each and every time you substitute franks and beans for your meal (breakfast, lunch or dinner) you take the amount saved and "go for the gold". Just 10 years of this and you could buy your own micro brewery. Make the full commitment for the next 20 years and you'll have so much money socked away you'll be able to sell that piece of junk you're driving and move up to a pre-certified used car!

It's never too early to begin investing in
your future.

How much can you retire with? Let's run the numbers. According to the National Institute of Family Foursomes, the average American family of four, in a typical week (including Arbor Day), consumes 152 chicken nuggets, 47 chocolate chip cookies, 56 Hot Pockets and one tomato. This all coming in at a whopping $182.78. Now, let's look at what's going to put you into that gated community you've always dreamed about:

1. Average number of hot dogs needed to feed a family of four on a weekly basis: 65
2. Average number of buns required per week: 74. Note: nine additional buns needed due to the rare but dreaded Blastomycosis Blackened Bun Barrage disease
3. Average number of pounds of baked beans needed to feed a family of four for a week (provided you get every bean that's sticking to the side of the can out): 43
4. Average time it takes to open a can of beans while only cutting one finger off: 7.5 seconds
5. Average cost to feed a family of four on franks and beans for one week: $44.45

Using the mathematical operation called subtraction (also called minus, less, difference, decrease, take away, or deduct, for those yet to obtain their GED) the amount saved is $182.78 - $44.45. Which we're pretty sure comes to $138.33! In one week!

And that's not all. The average family of four will therefore save nearly $745,000 in just 94 weeks! Think of it. No more having to answer the phone pretending it's a wrong number. Go ahead. Answer the phone and feel free to order as many ant farms as you want.

******************************************

Here's what a few of our "franks and beans millionaire neighbors" had to say:

"I'm a believer. I've been eating franks and beans every meal for two years now and have saved over $459! Unfortunately, my wife smokes, and with all my farting the house blew up just last week. We love you guys."  - Gary Smithereens. Burn Unit. No Such Luck Memorial Hospital. Coral Gables, FL

"With GSR's no hassle way to become a millionaire, my wife and I are now retired and living the good life." - Ben and Jerry Spinklestein. Sauerkraut Hills, CA

"My dad's been making  me eat franks and beans ever since I was born. It sucks. In fact, you suck Goat Soup Radio. I want a cheeseburger." - Little Tommy Pinto, age 8. Mustard Packet, MT

"Frankly I was skeptical. And at first, I didn't relish all those franks and beans. But, my buns really hurt from sitting on the floor because we couldn't afford furniture. Bean there, bun that. I gave it a try and I'm really glad I did. - Wally Weiner. Frankfurt, Germany
******************************************

"I made my millions and so can you."
 - Tomichi Murayama. Osaga, Japan

So feel free to use our tried and true method. And unlike any other investment strategy out there, we guarantee success or failure, which ever comes first.

FDA BLACK BOX WARNING: Substituting the required baked beans with french fries will result in hypofarturemia, thus creating a significant loss of buoyancy when taking a bath. If this occurs, both the Surgeon General and the Orthopedic Lieutenant recommend having a frank talk with your loved ones concerning the four P's of advanced hypofarturemia:

1. Your penchant for pigs in a blanket 
2. Your preference for sauerkraut over fried onions
3. Your pontificating on how to get mustard stains out of  bedroom linen
4. Your pending demise

LAWN PUS PLUS: A HEALTHIER LAWN YOU'LL NEVER FIND

A Word From The Publisher: This has got to be the grossest story that Goat Soup Radio has put together. Obviously, they are on the road to oblivion and they're just plain desperate for something to say. Shameful.

Nitrates? Cow manure? Vitamin B-12 shots? Have you tried them all only to find your lawn as unhealthy as ever? As grungy, defiled, lifeless, patchy and just plain mostly dead as your sex life? There is hope, you know. The makers of Dr. Smith's Original Home Care Tonsillectomy Removal Kit, complete with two syringes of just expired Novocaine and five kinds of antibiotics (in the highly likely event you come down afterwards with some raging infection) is pleased to offer Dr. Tommy's "two weeks to greener grass" 24 ounce bottle of Lawn Pus Plus.

Before using Lawn Pus Plus
(actual real life lawn)

After using Lawn Pus Plus (actual
real life lawn if you're a cartoon)

Previously only available to golf courses, football stadiums and nudist camps needing that thick green carpet of grass so as to avoid a nudist's worst nightmare, blistering buttocks boils, it is now available at your favorite garden nursery.  Editor's Note: This amazing product is not carried at Home Depot. Unfortunately, they are already carrying a somewhat similar product, Dr. Larry's "two weeks to a greener grass" 24 ounce bottle of  Lawn Excrement Extra. Good stuff, but it'll turn your kid's DNA into shit.


No matter what condition your grass is in. No matter how many gophers have turned it into their own Shangri-la. No matter if some hay chewing, red flannel shirt wearing, freckled nosed, lived all his life on a farm, blue ribbon Guernsey cow farmer with a Masters degree in mulchinomics has told you that your lawn can't be brought back to its original pristine condition... don't believe those sniveling, communist, anti-cheeseburger eating naysayers.

How does Dr. Tommy's patented Lawn Pus Plus work the miracle that no one dreamed possible? It's a story worth telling. So put down your fork, bring your chair to its upright position, take a minute or two to scratch yourself if you feel the need and give a listen.

Growing up in Crooked Neck, Georgia, Little Tommy learned just about everything there was to know about grass from his grandfather, Big Bones "Burping" Bob. For years little Tommy had watched his grandfather collect the cut grass from their lawn, put it all in a big black bag and carry it into the barn, quickly closing the door behind him.  One day, after all the chickens had been milked, Little Tommy had an idea. Waiting until everyone had left the farm to watch the takeout window go up and down at June's Famous Roadkill Bar-B-Que in Hey Abbott township, Tommy, using chopsticks so as not to arouse suspicion, began digging a hole behind the barn to let himself in. Squeezing himself through the hole under the barn, Tommy made it inside. Although dark and very barn-like, Tommy could just about make out the primitive laboratory that Burping Bob had set up to squeeze and collect every zit and blackhead of every cow, chicken, moose and pimply faced talking pig on the farm. It all became so clear. Combining all that thick bodily pus with those grass filings, Big Bones "Burping" Bob had invented the scientific field of Professional Pus Farmacology all by himself!

Here's what you need to know about Dr. Tommy's Lawn Pus Plus:

• Comes in 24 ounce size bottles with the exclusive "Push Pus" extractor cap
• Almost guaranteed not to genetically combine with any other mammalian zits
• Excellent wear and tear resistance (who would want to walk on that stuff?)
• 99.99% biodegradable. Check out our Youtube video of Dr. Tommy drinking a whole bottle of Lawn Pus Plus just before he died a horrible death 
• Fear of overdosing your lawn with Lawn Pus Plus? Each bottle comes with a coupon for $2.00 off any size tube of Clearasil Lawn Cleanser
• Looking for even more bang for your buck? Try Dr. Tommy's Lawn Pus Plus Extra with seven vitamins, minerals and cute puppy dog smiles

DEMOCRATS MOVE 2016 CONVENTION TO PENNSYLVANIA NUDIST COLONY

"We want to show the American people just how concerned we are about climate change and global warming."

Democratic National Headquarters, Washington, DC.
The Democratic Party is getting very serious about global warming. By a unanimous show of Affordable Care Act health insurance cards, the DNC executive body has elected to hold the 2016 Democratic National Convention at Bob and Sarah's Happy Meadows Nudist Colony in Mahopac, Pennsylvania.

The Spence family has already
been hit hard by global warming

Chosen over Up-The-Minimum-Wage, California, Have-Your-Out-Of-Wedlock- Baby-Here, New Jersey and Smoke-Pot- Smoke-Pot, Tennessee, the move is intended as a wake up call to all Americans that global warming is not just about melting a few glaciers and rising sea levels but, as estimated in 20 to 30 years, it will become so hot that most Americans will be going around in their birthday suits (Crocs optional).

“We knew,"  said DNC co-chairperson, Belinda "Chesty" Lowenstein, "that our slogan for 2016, ’We just don't say things, we shake things’, would capture the hearts and minds of the American public. And what better way is there to beat the summer heat with 30,000 conventioneers than to let off a little steam playing volleyball au natural while at the same time making a convincing statement about global warming, immigration reform, jobs and the economy? Besides, this will make it much easier for the networks to hear all the unfettered farting going on, another significant ingredient of global warming."

"Yes, we had other platform issues for 2016", said Ms. Lowenstein, "But our pollsters kept hearing the same question, 'when are we going to see the real Hillary Clinton'? The answer to that question will have to wait until the night of her much anticipated acceptance speech. However, upon hearing that the 2016 convention would be held at Bob and Sarah's Happy Meadow Nudist Colony, Mrs.Clinton made it quickly known that she would be attending the convention from day one and bringing her favorite flip flops. 

Part of the 2016 Illinois Delegation getting
ready to take it to the floor of the convention.

Tweeting out to her 98,457,937 followers, Mrs. Clinton noted that Bob and Sarah had been long time supporters of both Democratic ideals and skinny dipping. She followed that with her 46,698th tweet of the day saying that delivering her acceptance speech unclothed behind the specially constructed clear Plexiglas podium would combine many of the best causes of the Democratic Party such as government transparency, whistle blowing and the Freedom of All The Raunchy Information You Can Get Act. Rumors have it that her husband has reserved Bob and Sarah's private hot springs Jacuzzi for the entire week.

In a double secret Democratic Party memorandum, emailed to all attending delegates, party leaders gave a list of what to bring and what to leave home:

1. Bring plenty of suntan lotion, reading material and one of those little plastic hand held battery operated fans that spin around and around.
2. No dogs, no cats and especially no ant farms.
3. If you are a lascivious, horny, creepy old delegate bring a pair of dark sunglasses so no one will see you staring at everybody.
4. Waving of anything but the American flag will not be permitted.
5. If you have any food allergies, don't come. Who wants to see some middle aged woman or especially man with gross red splotches all over their body?
6. Don't spread germs! Bring a towel to sit on. The last thing we need is 30,000 people with blistering, brawny butt boils.
7. If you bring a wide brimmed hat to cover up anything but your head, you will be asked to leave.
8. If you're a hot looking female delegate with fake boobs, please make your room reservations for the Raccoon Lodge (that's where I'm staying).
9. Telescopes, binoculars and periscopes must be left at home. Once on the premises, only squinting, neck straining and two per day so-called accidental tripping into someone will be permitted.
10. Anyone bringing a pollster longer than 9 inches must sit with their legs crossed while watching the volleyball matches.

MARINI CLIPPER ECONOMIC INDEX TUMBLES 13.06%: FEDERAL RESERVE CALLS FOR CALM

Obama To Convene "Super Economist Group".
Goldman Sacks 'O Money Begins Charging For Meals In Company Cafeteria.

The Marini Clipper Index, one of the most internationally recognized barometers of the health of the American economy took a big hit today. With its uncanny ability to describe the dollar's value (past, present and future) with great accuracy and human pathos, the Index is also known to be 99.95% immune against falsehoods, flubs, flops, fallacies, falsettos, falsies and flatulence. Today's announcement of its near total collapse appears to have quartered the yen, diced the euro and grated the British pound quicker than you can freeze a bunch of screaming, kicking earthworms by sticking them in your kitchen freezer right next to your favorite bottle of chilled vodka.

Since its creation in 1934 when Professor Marini Pannini of Yale University's School of Neat Rope Tricks first published his groundbreaking solution to the Six Mallomars on a Train Problem, the Marini Clipper Economic Index has been the cornerstone of nearly every economic decision that the Federal Reserve, the U.S. Treasury Department and Gooch's All Night Towing Service have made.

Marini Clipper Economic Index
takes a dive. Is anything safe
anymore?

Editor's Note: To fully understand the Marini Clipper Economic Index, the following information has been lifted, without permission, from the award winning documentary "Advancing Our Cause: The Nail Clipper, the Great Depression and Me". 

Often, big ideas start with an idea that just gets bigger. So it was with Dr. Fred Munckshoe, the only podiatrist in I Liked It Better When We Were a Territory, Idaho. It was April 16, 1932 when Dr. Munkshoe broke his only nail clipper on Little Sam Harden's left big toenail. Needing a replacement, the good doctor bought a new nail clipper from his supplier who then sent Dr. Muckshoe a thank you note. Fast forward one week (leaving out for the moment Dr. Muckshoe's strange dalliance with the widow Kitteridge, 20 years his senior and seven inches taller) Dr. Muckshoe came to a really ridiculous conclusion. "Suppose," he says, "that if more people ordered even more nail clippers, well then, wouldn't even more people become happy with their lot in life? Wouldn't that just be swell for the entire nation?"

This was his great spark of genius, his epiphany, and his gesundheit all rolled up into one big cheese gnocchi. "All I have to do", he said, "was count the number of nail clippers purchased nationwide, divide by something or other and thus have a single arithmetic value of America's economic strength. Why didn't I think of it when I still had my license?"

The final scene in the documentary shows Dr. Muckshoe driving north to Yale University (he mistakenly thought Yale was in Billings, Montana) to convince the famous professor, Marini Pannini, that the Great Depression could be overcome by putting more nail clippers into the hands of America's downtrodden and unemployed. Thankfully, the documentary ends with the evil Professor Pannini being hauled off to jail after having stuffed Dr. Munkshoe, his nail clippers and poor Mrs. Kitteridge into a trunk and mailing them all off to Where's My Next Beer Coming From, Australia.

What does all this have to do with the price of a half dozen hot wings at Sally's Cantina and U.S. Post Office Substation? We don't know. But the next time you visit Norway and have to exchange American dollars for Norweigian ikeas (or whatever they use there) you can thank "Too Tall" Kitteridge for all those crisp 500 Norweigian bills you have in your pocket.

TAKE QWIK-SNEEZE AND STOP THOSE EMBARRASSINGLY LONG DRAWN OUT SNEEZES

Let's be real. You're standing in the wings of the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C, waiting to accept your lifetime achievement award for always finishing the beer in front of you before beginning another. And you're just one half mile from where one of our greatest presidents, Richard Milhous Nixon got us out of Vietnam, opened China, ended the draft, established the EPA, signed Title IX, thus ending gender bias in colleges and universities, established American Indian tribal self determination, participated in the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks, signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, supported a military coup against Chilean Marxist President Salvador Allende, actively supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War and sank millions and millions of dollars into the war against cancer. Need I go on?

Anyway, there you are about to walk onstage and be handed your hard earned award from some six foot two inch red haired super uber model (born in some Alpine country somewhere) who's wearing nothing but two pieces of dental floss and seven inch black stilettos with the leather straps that go up the ankles when you feel the mother of all sneezes coming on.

Here are your choices:

1. Just let it happen and probably sneeze all over the hottest girl you've ever been within two miles of.
2. Try to hold it in and walk on stage, mouth open, face and upper body clenched tight, eyes almost shut, breathing rapidly and not able to speak or think.
3. Run out of there, go back to Phoenix, live your sorry life unrecognized for anything, gain 30 pounds, become hypertensive and die in the men's room of Sally's Taco and Beer Cantina.
4. Or... you can take just one Qwik-Sneeze tablet, sneeze before anyone notices, go onstage, get your award, lock lips with Francesca, go back to Phoenix and never feel embarrassed about falling off a bar stool again.

Even sneezing and praying at the same time won't
help. Clint could use a Qwik-Sneeze.

The choice is easy and the one and only brand you can trust is Flim Flam Phlegm Pharmaceutical's Qwik-Sneeze. Since 2012, Qwik-Sneeze has been there for people that are just too loud and too gross when they have to let out that big sneeze.

Look, if you're going to sneeze why not control it before it controls you? Why not get ahead of the game and take a Qwik-Sneeze when needed and quickly and quietly sneeze into your shirtsleeve, your sandwich or your friend's sandwich? Really, don't you draw enough attention to yourself in life already with your B.O., your hairy ears and your nail biting?  Also, do you think it's fun for someone else having to count Mississippis while waiting for your latent sneeze to appear so they can say "Gesundheit" and move on?

Editor's Note:  Ever since Popovich's 1972 groundbreaking study showing that a sneeze is equal to 1/10 of an orgasm, people have been seeking the holy grail of medicine: the constant, unremitting sneezing pill. Now, with Qwik-Sneeze, as long as you are into quickies, you're set for life!

And now it's easy. Qwik-Sneeze is available in both tablet and gel capsule form. Are you one of those who find it difficult swallowing pills and capsules? Qwik-Sneeze is now available in our patented easy-to-swallow faux raw clam gelatinous glop.

FDA Red Label Warning.

The effect of taking more than five Qwik-Sneeze units in a single 24-hour period has not been established, However, should you find yourself one day sneezing uncontrollably, slobbering all over your friends and causing wide spread outbreaks of the flu in cities you've never been to, then follow these simple rules:

1. Take a long hot shower.
2. Bring your best outfit to the dry cleaners.
3. Shine your shoes.
4. Purchase the largest bread you can find that comes in its own plastic bag, remove the bread and get into the bag.
5. Wait for The End. A good drink or two is permissible as well as sex (if available).