DECEMBER IS BRUSH YOUR TONGUE AWARENESS MONTH

bad habits start early

The statistics are startling. The American Restaurant Association says that 1 out of every 12 people finish their main course in restaurants by licking their plates clean. The ASPCA notes that one in three dog owners give their pet dogs a little tongue at least once monthly and Brown University (no tongue intended) found a strong correlation between those landing their first job after graduating college and oral sex.

Shakespeare, who hasn't written a single word in over 250 years, said our eyes are the windows to the world and our tongues the mirror to our soul. Loving couplets never more true today.

In 1998 President Bill Clinton proclaimed December as "Brush Your Tongue Awareness Month". It would signal a new beginning in the fight to make Americans sit up and take notice just where they are putting their tongues, with whom and what to do about it afterward.
Remember:  There is no "morning after" tongue pill; no "Plan B" for the wayward, shiftless tongue.

Here are the six warning signs of the dreaded Tongue Abandonment Syndrome.

1.  Do you know how to say the word tongue in more than three languages?
2.  Do you often wake up not knowing where your tongue has been?
3. Do six tongues make a right?
4. Is your one goal in life to tie a cherry stem in a knot with just  your tongue?
5. Do you find yourself short of breath while reading American Lollipop Magazine?
6.  Do you often stop strangers on the street and ask them to give you a good tongue lashing?

If you answered "yes" to at least two of these questions, then all is lost. However, if you can honestlty answer "no" to just one of the above, there is hope.

Just have you credit card ready and call the number at the bottom of your screen. Be sure to ask for Donna.

1-800-ORAL-GLEE4ME

(1-800-5284-3456812)

GIANT U.S. - CANADIAN LAND DEAL

Washington, DC   9:00 AM EST

In what may prove to be the single largest real estate transaction in modern history, the United States has traded away the city of Detroit and $27 billion for the city of Montreal and a small mountain range to be named later. Details are scarce but Canada appears to get Ford, GM and Chrysler. The United States gets the Montreal Canadiens hockey team and a lot of french bread.

An early morning Tweet by President Trump seemed to explain his thinking. "Melania and I have been eyeing Montreal for quite a while. Tasty tap water, lots of parking and all those people speaking French. Not that I have anything against New Orleans. But how much chicken gumbo can one person eat? And another thing. When I pass into the next world I sure don't want a bunch of strangers prancing down the street in back of my coffin dancing like they've got ants in their pants."

Montreal, USA

Controversy was unbound. Goat Soup Radio spoke to a gendarme or whatever they call the police in Montreal and he had this to say, " It took me 5 years to figure out how to say 'you have the right to remain silent' in French. Now I have to learn it in English?"

Some people weren't pleased in Detroit, either. Chicken Taco King proprietor Gaston Notsag had this comment."Montreal and 27 big ones for Detroit? And you want us to change all of our license plates right before Memorial Day? At least give us Winnipeg."

President Trumps final Tweet of the morning added this. "I always like to have everyone come away with something in one of my tremendous deals. In this case we get a fantastic town with plenty of space for a fantastic new hotel and Canada gets a nice fixer upper in Detroit with enough cash to hire every contractor on Angie's List and HomeAdvisor combined. That's what I would do."

POST OFFICE DROPPING FOREVER STAMP

Long in debt, the U.S. Postal Service just announced yet another try to at making itself financially stable.

The Forever stamp will soon be replaced by its newer counterpart, the Fleeting stamp sometime in 2020. Details are sketchy but it appears that each Fleeting stamp be electronically coded to reduce in value at the rate of $.03 per hour beginning after the first 44 seconds from the time of purchase at $.55. Once the government figures out how many hours it will take for the stamp to become worthless the stamps will go on sale.

Mailing a letter? Be thorough, be smart

 but most of all, be quick

In other news… Accounting for climate change the U.S. Postal Service will begin raising all mailboxes eight feet off the ground. When asked about all the people too short to reach the mail slot a spokesperson said, "that's what airmail is for."

Finally, with no explanation, the Post Office will also now require any money owed due to insufficient postage to be paid back in human blood. Each Post Office will soon be equipped with knives, gauze pads and hospital bed pans for the collection and storage of what is anticipated to become a "money in the bank" side line for the Post Office. Larger post office centers will also be equipped with leeches for those that owe less than a dollar. A doctor's note won't help.

Ghost Soup Radio spoke with someone claiming to be an economist who had this to say, "The Fleeting stamp is good for the Post Office, good for America and, most importantly, good for nothing after 12 hours."

______________________________________

• 
  
  So to supper, and thence after prayers to bed.
                       - Samuel Pepys  (23 February 1633 - 26 May 1703)

EARN EXTRA CASH IN YOUR SPARE TIME

Yes, money can be had. Just take the two to three minutes to read this article and learn how it has completely changed people's lives. And, as a special incentive, at the end of this article we're going to show you how to guarantee your place in this amazing , lucrative profession.

In just two weeks you could be

looking at this!

The University of Southern Far Eastern Michigan will begin it's next two week online program, E-Dentistry,  in just a few short weeks! For 12 days, 2 hours per day, you will begin your learning from some of the finest lecturers in Southern Far Eastern Michigan. Yes, the complete ins and out of dentistry. After just two weeks you will amaze your friends with the number of scheduled appointments you have booked.

Using your computer you will schedule your course hours online to fit your busy schedule. Out on a date? No problemo!! While he or she goes to take a leak, you can quickly turn on your mobile device and watch such lectures as, "Poking Around the Mouth For Oral Cancers", "Drilling Deep, Drilling Fast", "Injecting Novocaine and Not Stabbing Yourself",  "Using X-rays to Explain Anything", "Filling Cavities Poolside" or "Extracting Your First Tooth While Texting".

Just listen to what one of our satisfied graduates, D.B. of Honolulu, Hawaii has to say.

"I graduated top of my class at Brown. But, I was never fulfilled in my chosen career as a blacksmith. I just couldn't make ends meet. The days were long and hot. Imagine, 16 hours a day banging on an anvil. Luckily, a friend told me about USFEM's E-Dentistry program. Now I spend only 4 hours a day banging my anvil and 3 hours a day treating patients. And that upper body strength I developed as a blacksmith sure comes in handy".

The University of Southern Far Eastern Michigan has trained hundreds of good looking people just like yourself using the E-Dentistry's patent denied program. So, why not turn that lounging around time into suctioning blood and saliva time? And, if you pay in cash you will receive one previously owned dental drawer, a matching colored stool and 200 - 4 ounce plastic "you can spit out now" cups. So don't wait. Yes, you can keep that tired old job you have now. But instead of going to the gym after work and doing the same old spin class, open up your appointment book, fill a few cavities, earn some cash and make someone smile!

And remember, don't be fooled by imitators claiming to get you that degree in 7 days. Whether it's learning how to put on a face mask or extracting that incisor in less than three tries, you need to be properly trained. USFEM's E-Dentistry program has been fully accredited by Gooch's Greater Detroit Towing Service since 2010!

And now, here's that special incentive we told you about:  Would you like to be in next month's graduating class? Here's how. Simply make a cash donation of $350.00 to Annette Gooch's Toys For My Tots Foundation, Western Lansing, Michigan. 13579

PRESIDENT CORRECTS "FAKE NEWS" OVER SOUTHERN BORDER WALL

Clarifying his position on immigration to White House reporters, President Trump offered the following correction. Note: In the interest of brevity and sanity his response has been edited.

"First, let's go back to my spectacular presidential run in 2016. I never said that I would build a long, high wall between the United States and Mexico. The Mexican people love me. The press only heard what they wanted to hear. They're not very good listeners.What I said was that I would build a mall. A mall, not a wall.The largest, longest, most gorgeous shopping mall in the world. It would sit right between the United States and Mexico, straddling the entire length of the border, all 1,954 miles of it. How beautiful would that be? To have every imaginable high end retail store offering their goods and services to every immigrant, tourista and day tripper making their way between fantastic Mexicali and my country. The economic value would just be tremendous. And it would be a great humanitarian gesture. 

You know, I'm thinking of asking the Nobel Peace Prize Committee if they would like to hold their award ceremony in Trump Towers in perpetuity. There are lots of rooms and when you're up in the Penthouse it's very peaceful".

"Picture this everybody. No more scorching walks through the desert and no more hungry and thirsty immigrants. Instead, I would place a Trump Gourmet Food Court every mile within the mall, an L.L. Bean every two miles offering all those hard to find size 5.5 extra wide Vibram soled hiking boots and, of course, a diaper dressing station every 3,000 feet to take care of all the little ones. We certainly want their bottoms clean and fresh as they make their way through Trump National Mall before coming into the United States."

"And believe me. In just two years you won't be able to tell the difference between the US-Canadian border and the US-Mexican border. And speaking of Canada, I'm thinking of buying Montreal. I love French food, don't you? And it's quite simple. For the City of Montreal we'll give them $6.4 billion, Detroit and a small mountain range to be named later. It's the best offer they are going to get."

GSR TO SHELTER AMERICA

View it and weep, Zillow. If that's your real name.

SUPREME COURT LIFTS GOAT SOUP GAG ORDER. JUSTICE SOTOMEYER: "THEY CAN SAY WHATEVER THEY DAMN PLEASE, JUST GET THEM OUT OF HERE."

In a stunning Supreme Court decision, Goat Soup Radio has seen its lower food court imposed gag order rescinded by a seven to one majority decision. GSR historians will note that the sole minority decision, cast  by Justice John J. Hackwacker, 214, was the last surviving judge to have ruled in the landmark Lewis and Clark's Naturally Seasoned Buffalo Chips decision in  Lewis and Clark v. Sacagawea.

Writing for the majority, Justice Rippa Dees Pants  wrote: "Throughout history it has been a good idea to squash idiocy at it's birth, strangling it with it's own pathologically perverse and prickly placenta. This was the country's goal in telling Goat Soup Radio to pack it up and go back to stocking shelves at Trader Joe's. But, there are moments in history when we must tear apart the velcro straps to our senses and allow even those without a modicum of sense, decorum and decency to express their views, as uninspired as they may be. Therefore, Ģoat Soup Radio may have it's voice back, it's offices opened and it's carpets cleaned."

Justice Pants: "Why do I always get just two croutons with
 my pea soup, councilor?"

Justice Pants went on to say that he couldn't understand why the difference in price between a cup of soup and a bowl of soup in the Court's cafeteria is almost $5.00 when the amount of soup in both was almost the same.
Writing as a Friend of the Court (amicus curiae ministronis) Mamby Pamby, chief counsel to the American Association of Soup Ladlers opined that in a crouton free world all would be equal. However, "As long as China continues to heavily subsidize their cheaper, substandard ladles and continues dumping them into the American market, the cup and bowl will remain for all intents and purposes, separate but equal."

Editor's Note:  We understand and sympathize with many of our readers that the sections above may have been a bit too dense and erudite, thus requiring the expertise and experience of a pompous, know-it-all lawyer to understand. However as GSR has always tried to be the portal to all that the heaven's have created, we sincerely apologize for our brilliance, extraordinary sense of humor and saintly intentions.

HILLARY OUTLINES BILL AND CHELSEA'S POSITIONS IN HER FUTURE ADMINISTRATION

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has released the first outline of future duties and responsibilities for former president Bill Clinton and daughter Chelsea once Mrs. Clinton becomes president.

"Have to also ask mom for France. The
Seine is just insane." 

 Chelsea Clinton, already with her initials scratched into the top drawer of Abraham Lincoln's writing desk when she was previously living in the White House will, pending Congressional approval, become ambassador to Italy, the Vatican and Pappa John's Pizza. When GSR asked Chelsea Clinton's people how she felt about this multi-prong appointment, her people put out the following statement. 

"Chelsea feels that this is the perfect job for her. It brings together many of her finest attributes; a smattering of the Italian language, her love of anything papal and a strong desire to bring Pappa John's specialty pizza, The Works, (beloved by her father) back on the White House Friday night menu."

Tweeting to her 34,456,397 followers, Mrs. Clinton had this to peck away at: "Chelsea has always been the brains behind my policy initiatives while I was Secretary of State. I can't think of another individual with more impressive qualifications necessary to carry out this important assignment.

"Chelsea, want to swap ambassadorships?"

" 

Former president Bill Clinton will also be given an ambassadorship. He, however, will be traveling a little further. Bill has been told to pack his bags and get ready for an eight year stint as ambassador to Easter Island. Although no one on Easter Island has ever heard of the internet, karaoke, Happy Hour or hot grits with tomato gravy, Bill has been assured that he will have open access to the oval office whenever the sun and the Goataurius Minor constellation are in such position to allow radio transmissions to the mainland, 2,368 miles due east.

"It was tough at first," said Mrs. Clinton, "to convince Bill that Easter Island was where he would help me the most. True, you're essentially cut off from the outside world save for the mail plane and Uncle Che-Che's anchovy boat that makes its way to the island about every seven months. And yes, baked albatross is the national dish while the only fish Bill ever eats is catfish. But, when I told him the female to male ratio on the island was 5 to 3, that everyone was pretty much a first cousin of everyone else on the island and that he would be the only American male within 7,749 miles, he jumped at the chance."

However, experts disagree how easy it will be for supposed president Hillary to get her husband's nomination as ambassador to Easter Island through the tough vetting process. Traditionally, the post has gone to seals or scurvy sickened stowaways. However, members of the House and Garden subcommittee on Lascivious Appointments and Erotic Escapades may be hesitant to approve the nomination. We can't think of one reason why. 

Barney Blowhole, current American ambassador to Easter Island.
"No way I'm giving up this cushie post without a fight. I'm going
to boot his ass all the way back to Arkansas."

DECEMBER 5th IS BRUSH YOUR TONGUE AWARENESS DAY

The statistics are startling.
 The American Restaurant Association says that 12% of all people finish their main course in restaurants by licking their plates clean.

Bad tongue habits start early

As well, in 2006 (the last time the survey was conducted) the ASPCA said that 33% of all dog owners give their pet dogs a little tongue at least once per month. Noted as well, a joint study between Brown University's School of Bordello Economics and the Foundation for Sexual Advancement and Trysts found a strong, positive correlation between those landing their first job after college and oral sex. 

Shakespeare, who hasn't written a single word in over 250 years, said our eyes are the windows to the world and our tongues, the 24/ 7 conveyor belt. Words never more true today.

Connie Lingis: Miss Brush Your
Tongue 2012

 In 1998, when President William Jefferson Clinton signed the proclamation naming December 5th, Brush Your Tongue Awareness Day, it signaled a new beginning in the fight to make Americans sit up and take notice as to just where they are putting their tongues and what to do about it afterward.

Remember: there is no 'morning after' tongue pill.

Purposely situated between Thanksgiving and New Years (Turkeys tally tongues, too) this is both a day of oral avian honor and a day hope.

Since that historic signing, December 5th has become the time to look back over the past year and take inventory. The People for the Advancement of Warm, Wet Tongues have offered these 6 warning signs of the dreaded Tongue Abandonment Syndrome.

1. Do you know how to say the word tongue in more than 4 languages?
2. Do you wake up more than 3 days per week not knowing where your tongue has been?
3. Do six tongues make a right?
4. Is your only goal in life to to tie a cherry stem in a knot with just your tongue?
5. Do you find yourself short of breath while reading American Lollipop Magazine?  
6. Do you find it difficult to hold a toothbrush in one hand and your Johnson in the other?

If you can answer yes to two or more of these questions, then all is lost. But, if you can only answer one of these questions in the affirmative, there is hope. Call the number at the bottom of your screen, get ready, ask for Cherry and have your credit card ready.

1-800- ORAL-GLEE4ME

_____________________________________

10 points. In paragraph 5, what does the author mean by the underlined phrase, "your Johnson in the other?"

1. I think Johnson is slang for a tube of toothpaste
2.  A sly reference to President Lyndon Baines Johnson.
3. Was this really an SAT question?
4. Do you think if I ask Hillary, she'd know?
5. I'm a girl, I don't have a Johnson.

****************************************
****************************************

DID YOU KNOW...

The first French kiss took place October 15, 1772 between two French Canadians,  Jacques 'Le Tool' Baguette and Francoise "Half a Franc" Cuisine in Montreal, Canada. Thus the term, French Canadian kissing. This term was very quickly dropped and the shorter phrase, French kissing was soon adopted. Eyewitness accounts at the time say that Francoise thought about it afterwards and soon joined a nunnery. Two years later she established the first North American Order of the Sisters of the Immaculate Tongues.
EDITOR'S NOTE: For GSR's 2013 position paper on U.S. Canadian Relations see: http://www.goatsoupradio.com/2013/04/giant-us-canada-land-deal.html

GETTING JEB OUT FROM UNDER THE BUSHES

A SPECIAL GSR POLITICAL EDITORIAL

We really like Jeb Bush. How could you not be smitten by a first name like Jeb or Arlo or TJ? In fact, with a name like that we're voting for him for president! True, his position on immigration, women's issues, education, tax reform, balancing the budget, gay marriage, abortion, climate change, fracking, the EPA, the future of Medicare and foreign policy are incredibly out of touch with reality. Still, We Like Jeb!

JEB HAS THE SPLEEN FOR 2016

However, like all politicians, there is always some black cloud following them around wherever they go. Hillary has the State Department emails. Marco Rubio looks and acts like our 13 year old cousin, Stymie. Governor Christie has Bridgegate and, come to think of it, New Jersey. And with no other way to say it, Trump has Trump and that ridiculous, "I build big, astronomically high rent apartment buildings so I'm fit to become the leader of the free world," BS.

Where does that leave our big bear of a brother, Jeb? No, it wasn't his "deer in the headlights" demeanor during the big debate on national television. No, it's not the fact that he couldn't find Tallahassee the first time he was elected governor of Florida. What's been keeping Jeb down is his last name, Bush. Trying to separate himself from that knucklehead of a younger brother, George is like trying to pull apart two slices of American cheese that have been sitting out all day on the hood of your pickup in the middle of July. You just can't do it!

So, in one of the most contentious editorial board meetings that GSR has ever had, our learned suggestion, nay, our solution to Jeb's problem is this. Change the name, Jeb. You can still keep the fake Navaho Indian belt buckle, the Walmart glasses, the buxom interns, the elevator shoes and the tired story of how you stopped your motorcade last month to allow a mother duck and her eight  little ducklings to cross the road unharmed, even though they carried a banner, "Ducks for Donald". Just change your last name.

Granted, the word bush is easy to pronounce, unless you've just had all your wisdom teeth pulled, and that anyone that owns or rents a home probably has a bush on their property. Most importantly for the polls, not many other candidates have a last name that rhymes with tush. However, sometimes you just have to let go. "Push the Bush" as our esteemed Maryland crab cake correspondent Esther Lester texted everyone around the table.

So, here it is Jeb. It's just a work in progress but by a vote of six to four with three abstentions for   not understanding the question, the editorial board of Goat Soup Radio would like you to change your last name to Nixon. All you have to do is have a news conference and say that you were on ancestry.com last night and found out that Pat Nixon once stayed (after all, it only takes one time so we hear) in the same Abilene, Texas Super 8 as your uncle,  Fester Bush. The press will eat it up!

Jeb. Together, let's put another Nixon
 in the White House.

Why Nixon? Who has the most name recognition of any 20th century president? Who ended the draft? Who founded the EPA? Who signed Title IX, ending female gender bias in college sports? Who supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War? Who lowered the voting age to 18? Who initiated the anti-ballistic missile treaty? Who opened diplomatic relations with Communist China? And the list goes on.

Jeb Nixon. He's the one.

HILLARY'S SERVERS TAKE THE 5TH AND A COUPLE OF OTHERS. INVESTIGATION STYMIED

A bedtime story.

It's been a difficult couple of months for Hillary Clinton. Despite all the plans, the big donations and the palpable groundswell for a female president, her time as Secretary of State while using her personal email account for both private and State Department communications has created many questions as to whether confidential State Department information has been compromised.

Over 30,000 such emails have been handed over to investigators by Mrs. Clinton. However, federal investigators are still seeking more. Sources say sixteen stalwart sneaky cyber sleuths in the FBI and the State Department's Inspector General Office had been seeking access to Hillary's private servers to once and for all find out what she knew, who she talked to and over what lines of communication she did it on.

Esther Lester being taken to an  
undisclosed location. Is this the end of 
Pax Americana?

Finally, with warrants in hand, investigators entered the private compound of Hillary and Bill Clinton on August 7, 2015 in Chappaquiddick, New York and whisked away the entire serving staff. Namely; Elizabeth McGregor, 46, soup, appetizer and continuous napkin folder, Richard McDonald, 54, starch, veggie server and reluctant food taster and Esther Lester, 68, main course, dessert and lighter of disgusting after dinner cigars.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes we know they live in Chapaaqua, but who the hell can spell it? The spell check (we swear) only offered us Chappaquiddick. There's a strange moral here, somewhere. With the exception of spell check (after all, we're not animals), our policy is never to search the internet for information. If it wasn't in the required reading list for our high school equivalency diplomas, it doesn't exist. Never did, never will.

Our story continues.
Untouched were two upstairs maids, the butler of the foyer and (Bill's favorite) the lithesome but stern, Olga MacFarland, 25, drawer of baths, hander of warm towels and all around fun server to be with on a rainy afternoon with no speeches to give or slimy deals to be made.

"She don't know nothin', chief".

Taken to an undisclosed location behind Starbucks on 3rd and 59th in Manhattan, the three food servers were denied access to  lawyers, lunch and ladles. Then, failing to follow even the most basic of international laws against torture, dinner was served buffet style. Alas, this was almost too much for our little band of indentured servants to bear. Too many of their brothers and sisters had lost their food service jobs with that simple word, buffet (naturally, French in origin).

For 40 days and 40 nights, if you can believe Entertainment Tonight Jerusalem, the meanest, baddest, smelliest men in the FBI tried to get McGregor, McDonald and Lester to come up with the goods on the most honest, sincere, loyal, truly funny, hardest working,

Now that Hillary won't be wearing
orange anytime soon, VP Biden
considers whether to run for
 nomination.

warmhearted Democratic female contender for the presidential race, but they wouldn't budge. Taking the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th Amendments they were eventually let go.Thrown out of the back of a moving van on the Major Deegan Expressway, the three servants, bruised but not broken, made their way back to Chappaquiddick just in time for Sunday tea.

The end.

*********************************

SERVANT. A person of either sex who is in the service of a master or mistress; one who is under obligation to work for the benefit of a superior and to obey his (or her) commands.
c. 1386 Chaucer.  Prol. 101. A YEMAN hadde he and servantz namo. At that tyme, for hym liste ride soo;
trans.to Mod. English.  A YEOMAN had he at his side, No more servants, for he chose so to ride;

TRUMP OUTLINES FIRST DAYS IN WHITE HOUSE (IF ELECTED)

Perhaps he was getting ahead of himself, perhaps not. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told the crowd at a fundraiser for tired and worn out Rolex watches that, if elected,  he would immediately "give the American people what they want and more. It would begin with my triumphant inauguration and continue throughout my years as president or until I own all of Manhattan and America's national parks, whichever comes first."

I.  Inauguration.  "Do you know how many people catch cold standing outside during a presidential inauguration? As my first act as president, I will keep the American people safe and healthy by having it at my private Caribbean Island, Trump Island. My plan is to keep it small, regal and humble. Only the first 300 super rich Americans that arrive on yachts no less than 400 feet in length or private jets (not the leased kind), will get to attend. As well, service will be provided by hard working, exploited minorities with clean police records and willing to work for the minimum. If they want to get paid more, let them buy an apartment building and become a landlord."

II. USGS. "And what the hell does the US Geological Survey do all day? I'll give them something to do. Are you aware how much undeveloped land there is right in Central Park in the middle of Manhattan? I say it's time to see what we've got there.We desperately need affordable housing for the upper, upper, upper middle class. I'd call it my Louisiana Purchase...and then I'd buy Louisiana."

III. Department of Education. "Here's another loser. Why spend four years in college when all you have to do is watch two seasons of "The Apprentice"?

IV. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. "Now you're talking. Real men (and real women) carry a firearm, smoke Cuban cigars and always have their limos stocked with the best imported French wines that you can't find at Costco.  These great Americans also know how to clear out a parcel of prime real estate with a single stick of dynamite faster than you can say 'eminent domain'. I think those people over there are doing a fine job"!

V. NASA.  I've been competing against the Chinese for years. And I've always won. I eat Chinese for breakfast and I can tell you they want the moon. So it's time to go back to the moon before the Chinese do. Only this time, in place of astronauts, I'll send up a half dozen real estate agents, a couple of  'Crater For Sale or Lease' signs and a few dozen freshly baked apple pies. If the Chinese want the moon they'll have to lease the damn thing from me. Sorry, I mean us."  


VI.  DTS.  I would immediately create the Department of Tycoon Security. People should know that 84% of all the wealth in this country is owned by 7% of the people in this country. I have always said that I will fight to protect minorities and this is just one example of my munificence."

"To serve and protect 
America's tycoons"

III. The White House.  "I already have six houses throughout the Western Hemisphere. What do I need another one for? Especially a fixer upper like the White House. I could keep Angie's List busy there for years. My plan on day one is to begin leasing it out as the Trump White House B & B. Whenever I'm in DC, I'll just pull  out a credenza over at the Treasury Department and stay there for the night filling my pockets. Who's going to stop me?"

IV.  The Pentagon. "This was a fine old building in it's day but that day has passed. I know how to empty out a building of tenants, level the land and put down a private, members only golf club with all the amenities you would expect from a rich, take no prisoners, misogynistic, egotistical, right wing, hair challenged, pompous, small wienered developer like myself."

"I've often said that the Pentagon needed more windows
with an adjacent 18 hole Trump Golf Course. Can you see
the top of the Washington Monument behind the 
newly renovated Pentagon, just behind my right ear?"

"Best, therefore, withhold any amazement at the strangely gallied whales before us, for there is no folly of the beasts of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." - Herman Melville. Moby Dick or The Whale.

RNC HOSTS QUADRENNIAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES HUMAN PYRAMID

Over the years "The Pyramid" has become a cherished tradition in the Republican Party. Every August 1 of the previous year leading up to the national presidential election, all officially announced republican candidates come together on the shore of Lake Michigan outside of Chicago to create the Republican Presidential Candidates Human Pyramid. 

Bottom l to r: Lincoln, Douglas.
Top: Lester. Note: This is the 
only known color jpeg of  our
16th president.

It all began with the 1860 presidential election. It was the end of July 1859 when the three republican candidates (Abraham Lincoln, Stephen Douglas and Esther Lester) were asked by famed photographer Matthew Brady to come together for a group picture. Not wanting to show his height deficiency next to the tall and lanky Lincoln, Douglas suggested a human pyramid. At first Lincoln scoffed at the idea. But then, Esther Lester, the Great Compromiser and Kibbitzer of the Senate said that he/she would go through with the idea so long as everyone took off their stovepipe hats and removed any piercings that might detract the viewers' attention from the group as a whole. Lincoln soon agreed, removed his stovepipe hat and naval piercing (bought for him as a gift from his wife, Mary Todd) and the rest is history.

Over the years, candidates have come and gone but the quadrennial Republican Candidates Human Pyramid goes on. Critics claim that the event has lost much of its original appeal and that the proof in this is that it is hardly ever covered by the press anymore. However, Goat Soup Radio's political correspondent Red Potato made it to the shore on time and can actually be seen (second row, third from left) standing in as a replacement for Ted Cruz who, unfortunately, had to take a tinkle and missed getting back to the shoot by seconds.

Presenting the 2015 Republican Candidates for President.
Photo by Carly Fiorini. Matching swim trunks donated by
Donald Trump (3rd row bottom right). Top: Jeb Bush, oldest
candidate in group with his unfortunate hearing problem.

Historians specializing in the Republican Candidates Human Pyramid will have a hard time finding a more complex and difficult pyramid to top than this year's event. Although those that were there are sworn to secrecy, GSR has learned from sources deep within the Republican Party hierarchy that this year's pyramid took over four hours to build. GSR was told of three total collapses, seven partial collapses and six timeouts by Donald Trump who continually kept having to consult his hair stylist in the face of those brutal Lake Michigan midsummer winds.

Planning and rehearsal is everything when the eyes of America are on you. The day before the great event

Rehearsal the day before with volunteer stand-ins. Is 
there a future president here on their hands and knees?

field volunteers from every candidate met to rehearse their candidate's part. Problems arose when the single female republican candidate, Carly Fiorini, refused to wear just the black bottom trunks donated by Mr. Trump and settled for taking the famed picture you see above. 
"If you think I'm going to stand on top of Marco Rubio's shoulder's topless with my big honkers just blowing in the wind, all the while trying to balance Mike Huckabee on top of me, you're crazy", said Ms. Fiorini.

Around the world, across the seas and through the woods, people have now made August 1 Superhuman Pyramid Day. France made it a national holiday in 1987 although nobody knows why. Kazakhstan has every citizen turn out and be required to "go pyramid". In China it is rumored that one superhuman pyramid of 8,456,699 workers unexpectedly collapsed and took the Great Wall with it. However, China's official news agency said that no one was injured and the event led to 563,488 marriage proposals.

U.S. backed rebels in Iraq show their support for the
 Republican Human Pyramid. Note allied cell towers
in background.

DAVID SEDARIS REPLIES

July 18, 2015
442 We're All So Gifted Court
East Hampton, New York  $$$$$


To The Author of Goat Soup Radio:

You are an idiot. Did you think composing that letter in my name would get you any closer to the kind of name recognition, untold riches and all those high fives that I always receive walking down Broadway?

Well, it was a cheap trick Mr. Goat Soup and it’s not leaving the station any time soon. All you’ve got left is a one way ticket to Deletesville and the zip code is UCANTWRITEFORSHIT!

Do you think knowing a little French or telling me some sob story about your anonymous, pathetic little family is going to get me to invite you over for a little Entenmann’s and hot chocolate? I haven’t spoken to my mother in 40 years. Why should I let some nasty, gnarly, neuron negative gnome into my house who thinks they can just place their fingertips over a keyboard and have something witty and useful run down their hairy arm from that puny brain stem of theirs? Truman Capote tried and he never got past my doorman.

It’s true, I do know Larry David. He’s a sweetheart. All you have to do is ask and he’s always willing to pull out his birth certificate and DNA mapping report. He knows who he is, do you? As an aside, you can see from Mr. David’s chromosome 12 that he was destined to wear glasses and tell lots of funny stories about his less gifted friends. You should be so genetically endowed.

So now let me say a few well placed, succinct, golden, mellifluous, melodious, rhythmic, well-pitched sentences about your work.

Yes, I am very proud of you for choosing the English alphabet to create your words and sentences. However, as my creative writing teacher Mrs. Mcgillicuddy used to say, just because you know the letters of the alphabet doesn’t mean diddly squat if all you have is the literary aptitude of chalk. Editors Note: Merriam Webster Dictionary. DIDDLY SQUAT. slang. the least amount. anything at all. 

I would suggest, in the clearest possible terms, that you forego writing and find something more in line with your abilities. Perhaps looking straight ahead or sitting in a chair? Remember your best mate (that’s Australian for friend) in the sixth grade, “Bad Maddy Waddy”? Well, Maddy moved to Maine and makes mashugina moose magnets. She’s found her lot in life. She’s happy in a downtrodden kind of way. Don't you want to be like Maddy?  Shouldn’t you move to northernmost Maine?

I will admit that some of your stories do have potential. Your awkward attempt poking fun of the highly admired “September is Brush Your Tongue Awareness Month” campaign did have its moments.  However, why pick on such a time honored and revered undertaking that is meant to save many innocent victims: those that are young or old, dating or just hooking up, those that gargle and those that freely choose not to. Why should anyone have to live with the embarrassing and sometimes deadly stigma of a wayward tongue with no possible hope of cure or redemption? 

Not that I am speaking from any personal experience here but it may just do you some good to use the web for something other than looking at meerkat porn. Why not spend some time reading about all the wonderful medical breakthroughs they’ve made at the David Sedaris Millennial’s Hospital for the Torn and Tattered Tongue? What they can do with cleaned up roadkill these days is just amazing!

So here’s to you, Goat Soup Radio (whoever you are). Go do something else and leave the humor and wit to those like myself who are truly gifted, young, firm and free.

Never yours, never will be,

David Sedaris

AN OPEN LETTER TO DAVID SEDARIS

Dear David,

You are my last hope. For three years I have been writing humorous short stories on just about anything that piqued my interest. Hint: I always try to open a story with a few words of French origin. It definitely creates an air of grace and elegance, don’t you think? Feel free to use "oeuvre" whenever you want.

These sweet, beautiful pieces of my soul have been dutifully presented in a blog that I created, goatsoupradio.com. My goal is simple; to one day run my own small engine maintenance and repair shop. However, with no followers, comments, emails or tweets, it has become a very lonely existence. My wife and my children go about their day and no one recognizes them. For myself, I could live like this but it’s become increasingly difficult. Sammy, the family dog was once happy and carefree. Now, 14 years old, with all of her shots, she just doesn’t seem to care.

Goat Soup Radio was going to be our ticket to Bedford Falls, our magic carpet ride, our personal invite to sit down with Al Roker. For so long now, every time the phone would ring we thought it was you. Well, maybe not you but someone that at least looked like you.

As an aside, I am sure you are a fan of Larry David as much as I am. Every time he squints his eyes I just crack up. Anyway, rumors have been spreading fast in Minsk that when Larry was born the hospital accidentally switched his first and last names. Wouldn't it be something if your real name was actually Sedaris David?

Did I ever ask for anything in return when President Nixon took my advice to form an exploratory committee for a possible 2016 run for the presidency? Or when Idaho, innocently enough, failed to re-up their statehood as directed by the Constitution every 38 years and thus reverted back to a territory? And did I quibble when Spain, looking to become a powerhouse in international law, trade and finance acted on my suggestion and changed its name to Spain, Spain, Spain, Spain, Spain and Goldstein ? Was I secretly hoping for an all expenses paid three night stay at the Barcelona Courtyard Marriott? Not at all.

Or when my evil neighbor, Esther Lester, stole my idea for renting out people's bathtubs as an inexpensive overnight stay for those seeking cheap out of town accommodations? Thus turning Tub Bud into the online juggernaut that it is today? David, didn't you wish that you had bought some of those shares at $34.00 during its first day of trading?

Where is the justice? Tell me, where does it say that I must walk this earth, head bowed, unrecognized, wearing my brother-in-law's hand-me-down pants (yes, I do sometimes get carried away with hyphens but wouldn’t you do the same in my position?). I pause.

David and The True and Mysterious Author
in better times.

David, take me out of the darkness and bring me into the lightness. Do this for me.

Please note the two attachments. The first is a rock solid nondisclosure form prohibiting the use of any part or parts of Goat Soup Radio without the express written consent of me and my solicitor. The second is a blank form letter where you can give me your address and phone number (I just hate texting), the names of your agent and editor and the best time to reach you. I am not a young person so please contact me post-haste. 

Yours, Very Much Alone,

The True And Mysterious Author Of Goat Soup Radio